A Story To Tell

perhaps now.

2012-01-09T22:58:00.001+09:00

now when you've found a girl, a girl who is literally capable of getting anyone she can want to be her companion, and she chose you, and today you went with her on a date, and you took her around with jakarta's hellish public transportation, and she did not complain, while you know, again, that she could've gone with someone else who's capable to take her around on a honda, jaguar, or even a BMW, instead, she chose you,

perhaps that's the moment you know that she truly loves you. =)

"home"

2011-12-04T22:30:00.001+09:00

I'm "home". Back in Japan again. Blogging from my trusty old Macbook again, now powered with a new battery bought in Fukuoka (yay!)

Few days ago I posted a status on Facebook that goes something like this:

"Strange. After ten days in Korea, Japan feels like home."

And a lot of "likes" and responses followed. Mostly from friends studying in my university, friends sharing the same fate: Being separated from families and the comfort of home, having to study abroad. It seems that many of them, sharing the same feeling, fell already for the strange homy-ness of this foreign land. For most of us, rather curious as it may seem, Japan has become our home away from home, providing us with the new friends, "families", and some shelter for our sanity.

As the day approaches for me to finally leave this temporary home, things get confusing and sentimental. It is apparent from the very first day I set foot on this land, that one day, I will return. I know this day will come, but the emotion is now rather complicated, as I anticipated all but one thing: that I'll get used to this place.

Many warned me of the culture shock I will face. That on the day I arrived in Japan I will be surprised with many cultural differences and might wanted to return home. Oh yes, I wanted to return home. Although not as strong as before in Brazil, in 2006. Reason being, I realized that one day I will eventually return home. Strangely it is now the other way around, as I realized that it is this country that I might not return to, at all. Perhaps this will be the last time, as I passed through the immigration gates of Fukuoka International Airport and never return.

And although many people warned me about the culture shock I will face in Japan, nobody thought through to remind me of the returning culture shock I will face returning to my country: toning down my lifestyle, readjusting to Indonesia. Some may say it's unnecessary, claiming now that we have more knowledge, we're the ones that should bring our country forward, using our "knowledge" to pull people together. But how are we to pull people together if we don't understand them? And what better way to understand people than to be like them - to tone down ourselves and to try and understand their (usually) simpler minds? It's a paradoxical situation.

On a lighter note, yes, I'm returning to Indonesia for good in less than two weeks, following a short travel to Tokyo and Hokkaido. I'll be home for Christmas, and hopefully still be home for my birthday next year - the first I will have again with my family after five years spending it abroad. Still kind of unsure whether I want it or not... But I guess changes always come unexpectedly, unwanted.

To you, what is home?

In a room with a view.

2011-12-01T14:32:00.001+09:00

I want to believe.

2011-11-30T23:59:00.001+09:00

Friends,

It used to feel that growing was, though inevitable, still far away. Play, play, enjoying the childhood with all its innocence. Kept busy with our games and monkey businesses, we were oblivious of tomorrow.

Therefore, remembering that you were a lot smaller back then, today was rather dreamy. We are same but different. We still play, but now a different game. Somehow inside we remember those days, but it's different now. We've changed. We've all been unconsciously transformed into creatures we used to fear, envy, loathe but love: adults.

You've got a job. You're being interviewed for a job you think you will get. You have a girlfriend now. You had a boyfriend. You love this food, but you won't drink the soup. You're with your aspirations, tastes, and dreams. Life battered you strong, but you remained full of hope. Young vigorous aspirants.

Friends, how can few years flew so fast? This is you, and I, now on our different directions. Separating today and regrouping again perhaps one day, let I, as a friend, share a belief, the one I do remember from our early days. A belief implanted on our minds by our overly sentimental parents, a belief engraved in every graduation party and farewells. A belief that seemed unreal during our years of separation, but now replayed in my soul, strongly after meeting you today: a belief that we shall remain friends for ever.

Thank you for making me realize that there are truly things in life that will last forever. Thank you for a faith strengthened. Let us, once again, believe.

Goodbye Seoul, good morning Busan.

2011-11-30T10:51:00.001+09:00

"forever!"

2011-11-29T22:40:00.001+09:00

The visit to the DMZ today was, in many ways, memorable. Having to wake up early in the morning to be picked up at 7:50AM was one thing, to be taken on a one hour and a half bus ride to nowhere was another.

We were brought up to the north, leaving Seoul's blinding glamor. There were lesser buildings, wider highway for intercity container trucks transport, and the view was becoming less pleasant. After what felt like eternity and countless disturbed mid-ride sleep, we were there.

To put it simply, the DMZ is a military demarcation line placed in agreement between the two Koreas, stretching two kilometers each to north and south to both countries. Between these four kilometers, there shall be no weapons nor soldiers, in effort of avoiding future wars in the Korean peninsula.

Regarding the treaty kept over this area, soldiers were stationed everywhere to keep the peace. We brought our passports along and were requested to show them to the soldiers at the gate.

Inside, the DMZ were collections of statues and man-made monuments. Remembering the devastating impacts of Korean war and separation of the two Koreas, the sights were optimistic, hopeful, but sad at the same time.

One of the many conflicts of events occuring during the past sixty years were invasion tunnels dugs by the North Koreans. We went through one of them. It was a silly, mind-boggling 30 minutes walk as we were told how the North refused to admit that they dug the tunnel, and when later admitting, tried to convince the world that it was a coal mine - by painting the walls black. Naive. As for me, the small size of the tunnel can't help me but to think how dwarved and malnourished the people on the other side must be.

The other day at church, the final prayer was for that the two countries could some day be reunified. The same hope was evident all over the DMZ. "Until that day (reunification), the DMZ will stand, forever..!", says a video at one auditorium. Deeper further in the DMZ, there were roads, rails and train station connecting the border, though right now unpassable. "Not the last station from the South, but the first station to the North," so it said on the train terminal.

Is forever too long, or not long enough? Time will tell, perhaps. The Koreans have underwent over half century of separation, and despite conflicts and political turmoils, the hope for reunion still stands. "Forever" certainly is quite a while, but perhaps their fervent hope does burns that long.

Free postcards, new hair.

2011-11-28T23:49:00.001+09:00

Today was the second of perhaps three days we will visit Myeong-dong shopping district. We returned there today to pick up some unfinished shoppings, and will return again tomorrow for meetings with couple friends and perhaps another shopping. Oh dear, I'm getting tired of Myeong-dong.

Later at night, we visited a "Tourism Information Center" at the fifth floor pf a shopping mall. We took advantage of the free fittings of traditional Korean clothes, had a fun photo session and updated our facebook statuses through the free wi-fi access.

Free postcard delivery service was available. Having no postcard with me, I had to stick with the pre-prepared postcards, picturing ads for Lotte Shopping Market and Super Junior band. Yes mom, those are from me. They say it's the feeling that counts.

Clau's new hair are pretty cute. Having the hair rather poodle-ish after the rollers were removed, I worried and prepared myself for series of lamentation and regrets. But after a few more snips, styling and twists... The new Claudya definitely looks fab. Congrats my dear.. :)

Tomorrow we're heading for DMZ: the 2kms area of truce between the two poles of Korea. Looking forward for some hopefully tense history lesson. More stories coming up tomorrow.

Perming.

2011-11-28T14:21:00.001+09:00

Today Clau's getting her hair permed. We were planning to visit Nami Island but plans were changed in the morning. Claudya was hoping to get a hair makeover, while Cindy and Hendra still needed to get some shopping done at Myeongdong. I've got nothing planned in particular.

So here we are, somewhere in the outskirts of Namdaemun Market, and Clau's been sitting quiet for almost two hours, getting her hair done.

It's a rather sophisticated salon, with camera-equipped hi-tec mirror and some really strange machines I've never seen before. This hairdo's better be good.

Still in the wait. Photos of the reveal at the end of the day.

Photo flood.

2011-11-27T23:48:00.001+09:00

Too tired to blog. Myeongdong was the chosen destination today, after a short rendezvous with a friend, Woori, at church in the morning. We attended a huge mass at Samil Church, a pentacostal church with a touch of conventionality - choirs were present on stage.

After church, getting to Myeongdong was rather easy. It was just around the corner. After a satisfying lunch with Woori and Claudya near the area, the rest of the day was just shop, eat, and walking around.

Flood of photos to remember the day.

Something sweet to remember.

2011-11-25T23:41:00.001+09:00

Seoul Tower, Winter 2011.

Lotteworld..!

2011-11-25T10:00:00.001+09:00

Good morning Korea, good morning Lotte World.

Coming to Korea, it's a shocking realization to find out how big Lotte actually is back home. Back in my country, Lotte is a bubble gum's brand. That's it. It's great, long lasting, foreign, and everyone thought for sure that it was Japanese.

Turns out, Lotte is Korean. It's huge., and it has its republic of its own: Lotte World. Claimed to be the largest indoor theme park in the world, it's our chosen destination for today, in avoidance to the cold weather, hoping to be able to have fun and stay warm at the same time.

This will be my first indoor theme park. Well, discounting all those lame mall roller coasters and dwarved parks.

How will it be? Photos and stories at the end of the day...

"Odiga?"

2011-11-25T02:00:00.001+09:00

The second day in Korea. We arrived late night in Seoul station last night, and after a cup of hot drink and two pairs of sore legs, we arrived at Beewon guesthouse. We were escorted to our room, quite odd-shaped but warm and rather comfy.

Cindy and Hendra came a little later, after a short hunt of cup ramen around the neighborhood. We rendezvous, rested, bathed and slept. Everyone was tired but quite excited for their first day in Seoul the day after.

We were awoken next day by meowing of cats. Seoul was a giant ice box. It was minus five, friggin' minus five on a November morning. It was a slow, cold morning. Although we know there was a lot to be done that day, creeping out of bed seemed like the most exhaustive first task to be faced.

Getting ready took us quite a while, knowing that it was minus five outside kept us unsettled of what to wear that day. The girls exchanged gloves and boots, in their effort to look pretty and stay warm at the same time.

Claudya put on her large-eye soft contact lens today. She seemed happy and pretty to be in contact lens again after a while. Good for her, good for me too, I guess.

We went outside, and our first day of journey in Seoul began. Most of the walks were spent with reading maps, looking around, and nervously asking directions, with broken English and Korean phrases taken from a Lonelyplanet guidebook. "odiga?" was our favorite word, used less and less as we realized we can't handle the returned explanation that would mostly be delivered in Korean. Claudya told me to stick to English, while she kept using her Nihongo to bargain and ask around.

Highlights of the day were some palace complex with its secret garden near our guest house, shopping in Dongdaemun and Hello Apm, and ending the day with a feast in the sky, in Hancook restaurant in Seoul tower.

Seoul tower was a romantically fabricated place. Love was definitely in the air. The famous locks on the tower fence, the somehow dark ambient, the lights illuminating from the city beneath, and couples here and there holding hands, hugging the cold away, brought love in the house.

We stayed until the tower closed, and a crazy bus ride followed by a short train ride took us home..

Seoul on the first day.. People were friendly.. Some were not. But one thing for sure: It was a delicious town. Porridge in the morning, street snacks in the afternoon and a grand dinner in Seoul tower treated our craving tourist tongues with satisfying hospitality.

Seoul, odiga? Where will you take us tomorrow?

Korea!

2011-11-23T20:19:00.001+09:00

Annyeonghaseo..!

Currently in Korea, just got off the boat, passed the immigration, took a 30 minutes ride in a packed bus, ad now on my way to Seoul, inside a KTX.

A rather interesting encounter with an elder couple inside the ferry: They chatted us, asked where we're from, and helped us with directions - that's how we found the shuttle bus to the Busan Station.

In one hour will be expecting to arrive at my destination, to rendezvous with Claudya's cousin Cindy and her boyfriend Hendra. Rather excited.

We've nothing particular planned, perhaps going with the flow and following recommendations will be how this trip will roll. If we're not too tired, perhaps tonight we'll take a walk around our guesthouse and see the neighbourhood.

Korea's quite cold, but I guess we came quite prepared. Our jackets are thick. Oh, and my stomach is a bit sick now. Hope it's nothing major.

reading more

2011-11-17T20:12:00.001+09:00

recently I came across an old hobby: reading.

growing up, I was always the quiet kid. surrounded by story books and encyclopedias, I enjoyed interpreting words into meaning. enjoyed tangling them and letting the sentences spark my mind with creativity. my parents always told me that I'm always the "reader type".

the hobby faded slowly. entering high school in 2004, kept myself busy with activities and other hobbies. I thought I was going to be a graphic designer. my books shifted, from story books to computer and graphic books.

but dreams change apparently, with time. I left for brazil in 2006, leaving all my dreams as graphic designer behind and learned about this new world I was cannoned into. as a result, I wrote more. provoked by the differences I discovered, and the necessity to remember it forever, I tried to interpret the world into sentences, untangle them to words, and write.

coming to japan in 2008, I encountered various teachers, each with their own different schools and philosophies, trying to put me in the tried and true path they had overcome before. realizing my inadequacy in many parts, I followed. during so, somewhere, somehow, I lost the passion to write, lost the passion to read and interpret meanings for myself.

I guess tonight a part of me realized that the best learning will happen when you are learning on your own. following along someone's path might be proven correct and safe, but it might kill the passion in you. it might dim the fire of life, that trials and challenges of learning on your own will fuel stronger.

as I started reading again, I sensed this thirst - this realization that I have not been learning much lately, and there are a lot to catch up, a lot of fire to re-lit, and passion to rediscover, as I return to the path to find myself.

perenungan menjadi bahagia.

2011-10-31T12:25:00.002+09:00

kemarin aku beres-beres kamar. jepang akan kutinggalkan dalam waktu kurang lebih satu bulan, dan terlalu banyak barang yang tidak bisa aku bawa pulang. saat menelaah koleksi buku-buku yang selama ini tersusun rapi di rak kecil di bawah meja, aku menyadari banyak darinya yang harus aku buang.

hidup berpindah-pindah tempat selama lima tahun terakhir, seolah melatihku untuk tidak membangun attachment terhadap barang-barang yang kumiliki. aku tidak punya pulpen favorit. tidak ada shampoo spesial, bantal atau boneka yang tanpanya aku tidak bisa tidur, dan kebanyakan dari pakaian-pakaianku dapat dengan mudah kusumbangkan ketika aku harus pindah tempat tinggal.

namun sore kemarin ketika aku melihat tumpukan buku-buku yang harus kutinggalkan di jepang, entah kenapa rasanya berbeda. kok ada sedikit pilu, kok ada rasa menyesal tidak dapat membawa mereka semua pulang ke jakarta.

kenapa kita memberi identifikasi kepada barang-barang yang pada hakikatnya "mati"? kenapa seorang sahabatku marah ketika kulempar boneka snoopynya ke sudut ruangan, "kasihan!" katanya? dan tentang aku dan buku-bukuku, sempat sesaat terlintas permohonan maaf singkat kepada para pengarang yang bukunya kubuang.

benda mati dan citra diri. benda mati dan ego. dengan membeli perabot kamar yang berenda, asesoris berwarna merah jambu, seorang gadis dapat merasa dirinya cute. Dengan pakaian gaya, sepatu hak tinggi dan kacamata hitam, seorang dapat merasa keren dan diterima di masyarakat tertentu. Di sisi ekstrim, kita melihat orang-orang yang begitu merasa self-achieved setelah mendapatkan produk elektronik terbaru. setiap kali perusahaan yang sama mengeluarkan produk tahunannya, yang terkadang hanya membawa perubahan minor dari produk sebelumnya, berbondong-bondonglah orang datang membeli - seolah produk tersebut mengubah hidup mereka: tanpanya dan bersamanya, mereka adalah dua pribadi yang berbeda.

kenapa orang-orang yang memiliki lebih sedikit kadang lebih berbahagia? papaku berbicara tentang "karunia menikmati", yang katanya dimilikinya. beliau tidak memiliki rumah peristirahatan di gunung seperti kebanyakan pengusaha lainnya, namun ada saja teman-temannya yang mengundangnya ke villa mereka, atau bahkan meminjamkan villa mereka untuk digunakan olehnya, bebas mengundang keluarga lain.

apakah benar dengan "punya", kita akan menjadi bahagia? jika demikian, fana sekali eksistensi kita sebagai manusia. kebahagiaan, yang terletak pada barang-barang yang kita miliki, akan hilang ketika barang itu rusak, ketinggalan zaman, atau dicuri orang. padahal ada buku suci yang mengatakan, "bersukacitalah senantiasa." saya yakin pesan itu tidak berarti paralel dengan "konsumerisme senantiasa.

do you have a pet dog? read this.

2011-07-22T23:36:00.002+09:00

hey blog. it's been a while.

I was watching this video on my Introduction to Environmental Studies class (yup, kinda late to take it now, but I missed it on my first year so what the heck) called Earthling. For those of you who are familiar with it, you perhaps would remember images of cows being butchered and piglets walking limp, well, not too many pleasant images from the movie. I found it quite disturbing and moving in the same time.

so it was a movie, I guess perhaps created by the vegetarian movement, to show people how the animals are suffering on our behalf, on supplying our largely growing population, animals are no longer bred and grown, they're now being "manufactured". on the production of food, especially, the movie focused on how animals on these poultry farms and butcher houses being treated badly, and butchered mercilessly, sometimes to the point where the death was elongated and painful.

I've seen these images before on Youtube, somehow stumbled upon it as I was browsing the website around. What came a shock to me was the other perspective of animal abuse the movie showed: ENTERTAINMENT. simple questions were sublimely addressed: why do we have pets? why do we have zoos? why do we have circuses with animal performers?

I've always thought that the concept of buying dogs, pets, or other domestic animals were always partly out of pity. Out of seeing those animals on the pet store, and wanting them home so we can take care of them. So the animals just happen to be there, with nobody wanting them, waiting for us to care.

on the contrary to what I thought, the animals were there because they were made to be there. They came from a place the movie called breeding houses, and well, the conditions there are not at all pretty and cute, like the pet stores. Dogs are placed in cages on top of the other, too small they went crazy, have physical and mental disorders, and being bred forcefully, sometimes using chemical and physical forces. if you think that you're buying pets for the sake of taking care of the pet, rethink.

apparently, if the demand is not there, there will never be this whole pet industry.

now, the answers for the previous questions addressed to us was later answered: it is our fascination to the exotics that brought these phenomenon around. Why do we eat horse meat? Why do we breed rare dogs? Why do we go to the zoo and watch elephants and giraffes? Why do we hunt birds for sports? It is our fascination to the unknown, our internal desire to conquer and to have power over, to be emasculated, that explained why.

being not a big fan of pets myself, I couldn't agree more with this explanation. If something is cute, if something is beautiful, why can't we leave it at far to enjoy them within the nature, as it is, keeping the exotics the way they are?

on the contrary, I looked inside and I seem to have no problem being an omnivore. I enjoy chicken, beef, and pork the same way I enjoy everything else, and I would be troubled having to leave them out of my diet. the movie after showing the brutal treatment of the industry to the animals they "manufacture", somehow suggest that we should put an end to animal brutality and start eating veggies, letting the animals live.

being a young economist, I can't help but to see this also from an economical perspective. say this anti animal violence movement got strong, to the extend that they're powerful enough to ban countries from killing cows and pigs for our meat, and say that these countries would abide, wouldn't it be one of the economic losses for the country? take brazil, having poultry farm as one of its main export commodities.

I guess everyone would have their own set of values and limitations to how animals are supposed to be treated. how's yours?

my valentine day.

2011-02-15T23:29:00.003+09:00

for the past four/five years I have been ignoring valentine's day. the fact that I have been single all those years, and that I don't really get the concept of "valentine's day for singles" (valentine's day was created, commercialized, and will always be targeted to couples, I believe so), makes me ignore the pinky-red colors, big hearts decorating the malls and public places on February 14th.

but this year, I'm with someone. someone that I trust, someone that I care about, and someone that I actually want to make really happy.

after spending a rather fancy night with her, followed by all the sparkly bits here and there, today, a night after the actual day, I got myself thinking. maybe valentine's day should be every day. maybe showing that you care through flowers don't have to wait for a particular date in a year. maybe there must not be an occassion to wait to feast on a good meal together.

and maybe the greatest gift you can give to her/him are not flowers, box of expensive/handmade chocolates, or even branded goods. maybe it's your home made cooking when he's hungry. maybe it's your calls and SMSes telling her you're thinking of her in the middle of the day. maybe it's the time you be all ears and just listen to her endless stories about her friends without actually asking, "what's the point?" maybe those things, those little things actually matters more than gifts, matters more than a particular date in a year.

valentine's day got me thinking. it takes a lot to say "I love you", after all.

Pilihan.

2011-01-22T20:44:00.000+09:00

Hari ini aku bertemu dengan dua direktur. Keduanya memiliki perusahaan genting, keduanya memiliki uang yang banyak, keduanya suka makan makanan enak... Dan tentu saja keduanya makan dan hidup dari berjualan genting.

Tapi hanya satu yang berjalan tegap dan cepat. Yang satu lagi tergopoh-gopoh penyakitan.
Ketika kutanya, yang berjalan tegap memilih bangun subuh setiap hari untuk berjalan pagi.

Hanya satu yang makan dengan moderasi dan bijak. Yang satunya lahap, menelan habis semua hidangan yang tersedia.

Hanya satu yang bercerita dengan mata yang tersenyum bahwa setelah 30 tahun pernikahannya, ia masih berjalan sambil menggandeng tangan istrinya. Jalan tegapnya tadi kulihat ketika ia turun dari bis, melangkah tidak sabar menuju sang istri tercinta yang menantinya di rumah. Yang satunya...? Melenggang ke tempat hiburan malam setelah kenyang dijamu makan.

Yang satu menikmati hidup. Ia tunjukkan padaku foto-foto anak dan istrinya dari telepon genggamnya. Yang satu? Bercuap dan bercerita betapa bangganya ia terhadap... Blackberry-nya.

Yang satu punya cerita hidup. "kalau saya mati besok, saya dapat berkata, 'sudah kuhidupi hidupku dengan segala kemaksimalannya. Tiada penyesalan,'" ujarnya dengan mata berbinar. Yang satu matanya berbinar juga... Ketika berbicara tentang genting.

Dua pribadi yang serupa, tapi tak sama. Di senja hidup mereka, yang satu telah mengakar dengan bijak, sementara yang lainnya menyusut layu tanpa tujuan.

"Hidup adalah hasil dari keputusan-keputusan yang kau ambil, nak," ujar direktur pertama kepadaku. "Hargai waktumu, hargai hidupmu."

Ya, pak. Akupun ingin suatu hari menyentuh garis akhir itu dengan bangga dan sukacita, sepertimu.

wordplay.

2010-11-29T00:41:00.002+09:00

melihat2 wall dan message2 di facebook membuat hatiku tersentuh perenungan lagi. lain hari saya menemukan dua pesan, pada dua tempat yang berbeda, yang isinya berbeda secara kata-kata, tapi pesan yang ingin disampaikan (mungkin) adalah sama. "aku ingin bertemu denganmu lagi."

yang satu berkata, "miss you... ^^"

dan yang satu lagi berkata, "KANGEN NIIHH!!!"

meskipun keduanya seolah-olah innocently menyampaikan kesamaan pesan, adakah perbedaan yang bisa terlihat? adakah perbedaan emosi yang terlihat? adakah yang merasa bahwa pesan yang kedua menyampaikan luapan emosi yang hangat, pure, di mana dibandingkan dengan yang pertama, terlihat bahwa emosi yang diumbar begitu amorous dan seakan mengandung pesan "tersembunyi"?

selalu ada yang bingung membaca cerita-ceritaku di blog ini. kemudian hari ketika bertemu pembaca blog di kampus, akan selalu ada yang menanyakan, "kok kaya begituan aja diblogging, kae ngga ada topik lain yang lebih penting aja?"

oh, tapi ini penting, saudara-saudara!

mungkin akan lebih masuk akal ketika saya katakan kalimat yang pertama dikirimkan dari seorang pria, yang sudah berpacar, kepada seorang wanita yang sudah juga berpacar. sementara kalimat kedua dikirimkan oleh pria lain, yang sudah berpacar juga, kepada seorang teman wanitanya yang single.

jadi lebih penting sekarang? terlihat mau saya bawa ke mana cerita ini?

beberapa pembaca mungkin akan tersenyum dan manggut-manggut di sini. untuk yang masih menggaruk2 kepala, saya jelaskan. rupanya masih bersambung dengan topik saya yang terakhir, ketika kita melihat bahwa pria seringkali memanipulasi wanita dengan kata-kata, mulut manis dan janji yang diumbar.

saya akan memulai analisa kalimat pertama dengan sebuah pertanyaan. akankah pantas bagi seorang pria, yang sudah memiliki pasangan, mengirimkan pesan demikian kepada seorang wanita lain? akankah anda, para wanita, senang ketika mendapatkan pasangan anda mengirimkan pesan-pesan demikian kepada wanita lain?

oh, lalu pria tersebut akan berkata, "ah ngga, itu kan teman lama. aku murni hanya ingin menunjukkan bahwa aku kangen dia."

dengan huruf kecil, tiga titik, dan kemudian smiley imut2 di ujung??

omong kosong.

kalau kemurnian itu ada, kalau benar pesan yang ingin disampaikan hanyalah sebuah pesan kangen, akankah lebih pantas jika yang dikirimkan adalah pesan kedua?

sebagai wanita, membalas luapan rasa kangen yang mana yang akan membuat anda merasa lebih nyaman?

membalas yang kedua dengan, "haha iya nih gw juga kangen hueheh..."

atau membalas yang pertama dengan, ". . ." entah apa. saya juga tidak terpikir balasan yang bisa tidak menjijikkan untuk kalimat pertama.

pria, sungguh penuh trik dan pikat. kemurnian? persahabatan? pria yang sudah berpasangan akan memikirkan perasaan pasangannya dan menjaganya di hadapan Tuhan, bukan verbally promiscuous dengan wanita lain yang jelas-jelas bukan siapa-siapanya.

sudah ah, capek.

flirting, tilting, manipulating.

2010-11-27T02:57:00.004+09:00

jangan salah sangka. saya masih dan akan terus jadi orang yang setia kepadanya.

akhir2 ini saya menggotong sebongkah buah pikiran yang seru. sebongkah pikiran tentang apa adanya diriku di masa lalu, yang kemudian terhubung dengan fenomena zaman kini, dengan apa yang terjadi pada gadis-gadis dan pria-pria muda di generasi saya.

flirting siapa yang tidak tahu? siapa yang tidak anggap seru? katanya inilah period di mana tidak ada komitmen, tidak ada janji apa-apa, hanya promiscuousness yang diumbar dan "kata-kata manis" yang disebar-sebar. tujuannya? hanya membiarkan hati terikutkan emosi. sparks flew, kata orang.

kata-kata manis lewat sms, sapaan yang dimanis-maniskan. perhatian yang oh, dibuat-buat dan dipaksakan semata untuk membuat hatinya melayang-layang. seperti itulah kira-kira.

dan tujuannya? kalau berhasil dapat, ya syukur. kalau tidak berhasil, ya sudah, selesai.

sungguhkah?

sungguhkah selesai begitu saja?

aku percaya lain. ketika flirting terjadi, ketika infatuation dibangun dalam hati, dan semuanya gagal pada akhirnya dan harus memaksa diri menjadi teman lagi, ada perasaan malu (bagi flirter hardcore mungkin rasa malu ini sudah kebal dan tidak berasa lagi) dan aneh. ada perasaan kecewa pada emosi yang sudah terumbar sia-sia, akan ada kesan bahwa diri kita sudah mem/di-bully secara emosional. flirting adalah sama dengan pemerkosaan mental.

kalau dapat? enak dong... flirtingnya berhasil. tidak juga, rasaku. kalau dapatpun, pada suatu titik akan tersadari, bahwa kita sudah mem/di-manipulasi, ditipu untuk masuk ke dalam hubungan itu. dengan kata-kata manis dan janji-janji palsu, SMS, telpon, dan infatuation lain yang semata-mata menggetarkan hati.

lalu bagaimana sekarang? kita ada di society seperti itu, kata orang. mungkin itu bukan yang terbaik tapi itulah cara satu-satunya yang kita punya!

TIDAK, SALAH.

membangun kasih, membangun sayang tidaklah lewat infatuation palsu. tidaklah lewat manipulasi dan kata-kata manis. itu MENIPU. masih ingat peribahasa yang kita pelajari di zaman SD, "membeli kucing dalam karung?" Nah, SAMA. hubungan yang busuk dan berbau hanya dikarungi flirtation wangi yang mempesona; tapi kemudian kalau kita jujur... lama-lama karungnya harus kita buka juga kan? keliatan deh kucing baunya.

saya pun tidak sempurna. saya mengerti ini semua karena ada bagian di masa lalu saya di mana saya pun pernah melakukannya. tapi kini setelah berpikir dan merenung agak lama, saya merasa ada yang harus diubah. harus bangkit pria-pria berhati ksatria, yang berani memperlakukan gadis-gadis seperti lady, seperti princess, dengan hormat dan santun. harus bangkit pria-pria yang "nice", bukan karena ada maunya. men have to be nice just for the sake of being nice. karena semua wanita layak, berhak diperlakukan dengan hormat.

tentu harus ada yang bicara juga pada para wanita. because if boys will be men, girls will have to be ladies too. ah, tapi itu bukan bagian saya. biar saya yang pria berpikir bagi para pria saja, sementara.

mari, bangun hubungan yang jujur, mari, berhenti flirting.

"pulang kampung nih!"

2010-11-13T19:19:00.003+09:00

meskipun jauh di Jepang, Jumat lalu akhirnya aku bisa menonton pidato Presiden Obama di Balairung UI pada saat persinggahannya di Indonesia.

Obama memulai dengan kata-kata yang menjadi judul artikel ini. Dia "pulang kampung", kembali ke tanah di mana dia sempat menghabiskan masa kanak-kanaknya selama kurang lebih empat tahun.

lalu 5000 undangan yang "mewakili berbagai lapisan" di dalam balairung UI itu bergemuruh luluh lantak. Senang Obama masih ingat Bahasa Indonesia, senang Obama mau (atau entah pura-pura) menganggap Indonesia sebagai "kampung"nya.

aku entah mengapa hanya diam bergeming dan merenung, betapa mudahnya orang Indonesia "diprovokasi".

sebagai orang Indonesia, seharusnya kita semua sudah kenal baik ini. ketika musim kampanye, hanya dengan nasi bungkus dan kaos partai murahan, partai-partai dapat mengajak siapapun (dari tukang sayur sampai supir taksi) untuk ikut kampanye, mendukung partai yang bahkan visi dan misinya tidak mereka paham.

ketika ada pidato yang (sedikit) menginspirasi, dengan mudahnya masyarakat (dan mungkin kita sendiri pernah mengalami) mengikuti apapun yang pemimpin itu katakan. itu kan yang menyebabkan parlemen kita dipenuhi manusia-manusia yang hanya pandai bicara? salahkan mereka yang ingkar janji, kita lupa bahwa kita sendiri yang begitu mudah diiming-imingi janji, sedikit pandai bicara saja, mudah terprovokasi.

dan ketika terjadi genocide tahun 1998 yang menghancurkan dan melukai komunitas etnik Chinese di daerah kota, oh, jangan bilang itu bukan hasil provokasi! demonstrasi dan kericuhan yang terjadi seringkali, seringkali hanya dipicu oleh selembar uang dua puluh ribuan dan nasi bungkus.

jangan bilang ini hanya terjadi di kalangan masyarakat kelas bawah. masyarakat menengah ke atas Indonesia pun tidak ada bedanya. ingat donut-craze yang dimulai J.Co & Krispy Kreme? Atau yang terbaru mungkin, trend yoghurt yang dimulai Sour Sally. Dan sekarang siapa yang tidak pakai BlackBerry di Indonesia? seorang teman bilang dia tahu anak berumur 6 SD yang minta BlackBerry pada orang tuanya.

kembali ke balairung UI itu. aku tidak lantas menyalahkan Obama. beliau berhak menggunakan latar belakangnya dan pengetahuannya atas pola pikir orang Indonesia untuk membumbui pidatonya. beliau berhak menggunakan kalimat-kalimat pendek dalam Bahasa Indonesia, makanan-makanan Indonesia yang disebutkannya dalam humornya, untuk ya, sekedar memberi warna.

aku menggeleng-gelengkan kepalaku atas 5000 orang Indonesia yang ada dalam balairung UI hari itu. ya, riuh dan gegap gempita mendengar kata "baso" dan "sate" keluar dari mulut presiden ke 44 Amerika Serikat, tapi diam saja mendengarnya berbicara tentang kesamaan hak, toleransi antar agama, dan hal-hal lain yang lebih pantas ditepuk tangani.

untuk orang Indonesia, aku rasa kita harus belajar lebih kritis lagi. pahami arti kata 'mendengar' sepenuhnya. jangan ikuti trend. pakai ketika benar-benar membutuhkan. kejar individualitas, temukan apa yang baik bagimu melalui pengalaman, bukan lewat trend.

mari kritis, mari berpikir, mari jadi masyarakat yang lebih pintar.

selamat pagi.

2010-11-09T03:36:00.001+09:00

selamat pagi dunia. waktu menunjukkan pukul setengah empat pagi dan saya seharusnya tidur terlelap, menantikan fajar yang akan datang dalam menit2 yang tidak jauh lagi.

hari-hari ini agak sulit berkata selamat pagi sambil tersenyum lebar. ada masalah, tugas, pekerjaan, hubungan, dan macam2 kegiatan yang mungkin trivial, mungkin memang penting, tapi menguras tenagaku dan membuatku agak lemas, terus terang saja, untuk bangun pagi.

boy, here's the thing.

2010-07-01T01:45:00.007+09:00

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Well boy, what do you know about love? Two weeks ago you were a mere loner slapping your steps on wet pavement of singlehood.

Fourteen days ago you share to everyone your smile politely, only until she came that your heart bursts with overflowing happiness and joyful smiles.

It was not that long ago that you quit praying for a special friend, only to find that she's just around the corner and that God wanted you to wait for his time.

But now, look at you.

You the love doctor, sharing joy and healing pains with your laughter and smiles.

Now every meal has to be parted with, every scenery has to be breathed into two lungs, every moment has to be shared, and every breath you take from the air she breathe, well, that's a new life into you.

And you don't even know if she does feel the same way, but still it makes you happy. Walking on her side, intertwining your fingers, passing notes in between class, lovebirds, the world is yours!

The feelings, don't get me started with it! As she lay her heads on your shoulders, snuggle childishly between your arms, hold your hands as if she'll never let go... Boy! If only you could see your own face. She makes you feel big, proud, and you would conquer the world anytime you feel like it! Boy, you are shining.

You would go and along, making this list go singing long, but you know already one thing that matters: You're in love. And you hope she would feel the same way.

But well, who cares. Love is about giving laughter and happiness to her.

Let time tell kid, let time reveal.

my take on "the climb" =)

2010-05-23T14:43:00.000+09:00

;)

now think.

2010-05-15T22:55:00.001+09:00

SHE

I'm alone inside, again, with that one look on my face.

And he's here again, with his arms tangled around my back, as usual.

Now you would be imagining this would be a romantic shot in one fluorescent dream. But if you look closer, you can see that well, we don't really talk to each other. I wasn't even looking to his eyes, nor his were staring at mine. We were simply there, tangled at the moment.

I was not moving. His strangle not surrendering, and now he would start leaning. Adjusting his palms around my waist, getting comfortable.

I wish I know what's going on his head. A translator, a dictionary to interpret what these gestures should be translated into...

***
HE

Duh, what a party.

No one I know around, can't really talk to people, the music's too loud.

And well, my social skills aren't that well trained anyway, but that I hate to admit.

Hey, she's there.

I've been mailing her for the past two weeks now. She should be nice, at least, given that attention, smiles and mails we've been throwing back and forth each other for the past few days.

But I don't really wanna talk. Never actually talk to her personally, it was just always the mails and the silly late night telephone calls.

Who cares. I'll just approach her and lean over.

***

Now think, this situation given us. She's there, he's all over her..

But it's very fair to say that she isn't with him. Nor he with her. They were held together by the moment, being captured silent by awkwardness.

Would gestures and caresses confuse? Would talking and actual conversations actually add up more value to a relationship than brushing her hair softly while whispering sweet words?

Would it be justifiable to throw smiles, act nice and talk sweet simply because she's cute and lovable, regardless of the fact that those gestures might end up confusing her?

Can those acts be deemed irresponsible?

Now think.

just because.

2010-05-12T16:12:00.004+09:00

recently I met you again.

with that smile, those gestures and that still calm that told me that you're back as you. not the awkward person I was facing until before.

we sat down, we had meal, we talked for an hour or more. time flew pass and I didn't even notice, your face was too fair to miss.

we talked, words flew. about life, about making choices, and other silly things that are not that important but we always talk about, just because. Just because we know that we're being listened to, just because we know no judgmental words will flew, just because it's you and me.

then I sat with you at the bus, continuing our talk. teases started. smiles were thrown at each other, hearts bursts with joy and laughter. this is warmth of christmas that was somehow felt under the blazing summer sun. just because. just because it's you and me.

the bus dropped us off. you walked away. thanked me for supporting you all this time. like you always do. I smiled and wave.

a chill in my spine. my heart's trying to tell me something. no matter how hard you try, no matter how nice and secure you feel about each other, she's made her choice.

a bitter truth hits.

we'll never be together. just because. just because she treasured the friendship. friends don't break up, couples do, she said. and I, I have to be happy with these smiles, these teases and laughter, given I promised that I would be her moon and her sun, no matter what. just because. just because a promise I'm holding onto.

and as the wind caressed her short brown hair as she walked away; it brought away with it the warmth that was in my heart.

so much for being a nice guy.

what.how.hurt.

2010-05-06T15:46:00.004+09:00

it's not because of what you said. I kind of already knew you were going to say that.

apparently it's how you said it. that's where it hurts.

text messages.

2010-01-01T14:49:00.003+09:00

it beeped again. several times already today, delivering 'happy new year' wishes within 160 characters.

I have been receiving lovely text messages from ordinary people, from friends and relatives, some far, some not that close, some are those lovely buggers I've been tangled with recently. all wishing me a great, wonderful year, and that I may lead a happier life.

reading through it, I noticed there are two types of it. There are the first kind, the one-for-all type. The sender decided to make one type of message, and send it to multiple people in their phone book, regardless of their relationship, the gender of the recipient, and usually personal touches. These messages will read common, unpolished, but still, it shows that the sender has at least a thought of you as he/she browsed their phonebook for the "lucky winners".

then there is the second type of message that, well, I like. the personalized type. these messages are written thoughtfully, of the recipient in mind, sometimes reciting the good memories they had together in the past year, with expectations, details and personal touches here and there... you'll know the message by the sense of warmth it gives after reading it, and if, the text mentions your name in it.

now, regardless of the pros and cons I might have brought by bringing this up, I appreciate, and love these text messages during this time of the year. Sometimes people cite their hopes and dreams for me. Given so, things become unexpected, and I can never guess what kind of messages people will be sending me, how do they see and hope for me to be in the coming year.

I received a text (a personalized type) from my senior in campus. we did some work together and she wrote in a very clean, polite Japanese that she has been causing me "a lot of trouble", being thankful for everything and looking forward to work with me in the future. I found it an interesting part in Japanese culture that on new year, people somehow 'apologize' to each other for causing trouble to each other's life, and looking forward to work more and help each other more in the future.

On the other hand, It is somehow overwhelming to me to discover that silently, this senior perceived me. I'm always the kind of person who doesn't like being on the spot, being noticed or observed. But apparently lately, my actions, my doings, whatever I said and decided was observed, to later be whether appreciated or depreciated by this senior.

To my luck, her observation ended up with a good conclusion. I come to learn from the text she sent that, well, people do observe me. Told or untold, whatever I do and say will leave an impression for them, an impression of who Sam is, an impression of whether they will see Jesus Christ in me or not.

***

Then not so long after, another text beeped in. This time the message came from a kind friend of mine. The message reads, "...may 2010 be a transforming year for you."

It made me think about the smaller word for transformation: change. Aren't we always told to change? Fixing our sleeping habit, eating a healthier food, making more friends, those are part of life changes. And every new year, we are reminded of this necessity to "change", "transform", into a better person. That's why we write our resolutions. Our Dreambook. Our new year list. Whatever we call it, it shows our desire for a fresh start, new beginning.

As if we haven't changed.

While we are striving for the positive changes, seemingly big and impossible changes, setting goals and new standards to achieve this "new me", aren't we forgetting our small, negative changes? We thought we are the same person as we always are, while in fact, negative changes did occur, we did have a downslide. And us, regarding the big, positive changes more important than the rest, neglect this changes that happened unconsciously for the sake of the "new me".

I reminded myself of these backslides I made, today. I want to write my resolutions not based on wild assumptions and dream, that I should, again, "change"; however, I want to look back, and really understand at what point in my life I have changed (because I do change, unconsciously!), review it, be thankful for the positive changes, and fix the rest. To me this year, it is more important to contemplate on the changes that had happened rather than to plan for the next changes, without realizing what had changed in my life last year.

Still, if changes should occur, I'll embrace it with a smile.

So well, 2010 huh? As early as day one, from the texts I received there were lessons to learn. And I believe, the Greatest Teacher of all will have many more lessons in store for me in this fruitful, adventurous new year.

Welcome to 2010, Samuel Ray. Your phone just beeped. Again.

istirahat sebentar.

2009-11-02T01:11:00.002+09:00

nulis 2000 kata ternyata banyak juga ya.

barusan selesai satu halaman dan dengan pedenya ngeklik word-count... baru 200an. due tanggal lima... masi ada waktu sih, pegel aja tangan dan otak sekarang.

sekarang lagi musim report dan mid-term. tengah cawu... saat-saat otak mulai capek tapi semangat dari liburan summer dan ikrar "mengakhiri semester dengan baik" masi berdengung kencang di kepala... semoga bisa terus berdengung sampai akhir. sudah selesai satu report, tinggal dua lagi. minggu lalu ada satu mid-term dan hasilnya, hmm... cuma bisa hmm sekarang. =)

hari ini gw nemu album bossanovanya tom jobim. heran, baru sukanya sekarang. dulu di brazil malah sama sekali ngga ngedengerin musik-musik beginian. mungkin tanda2 penuaan kali ya. semakin tua semakin suka musik aneh-aneh. halah...

gw belajar bikin bubur beberapa hari belakangan ini. bubur plus ayam jahe. wah mantep abis... ayam + jahe bubuk + daun parsley = enak. dibumbuin, didiemin stengah sampe satu jam, terus ditumis pake api kecil. wah enak banget ayam jahenya. daun parsleynya jadi berminyak dan ayamnya jadi berkaldu... mantep deh. dan oh, ternyata bikin bubur ngga mesti susah! kesian mama di rumah yang masi pake kompor dan panci... di sini tinggal cemplungin semua ke rice cooker, ngga usah diaduk2 tinggal pencet tombol, satu jam jadi bubur.

dan waktunya emang lagi tepat banget buat makan bubur. cuaca makin dingin, pulang2 naik motor kehujanan, yang paling pas dan murah (nasi satu cup jadi banyak buburnya) buat angetin badan... ya bubur made in sendiri. makasih ya temen baik yang kemaren dulu udah masak dan ngajarin bikin. =)

matahari ngga banyak bersinar hari-hari ini, gw sering keujanan naik motor, cuaca dingin dan tugas banyak... tapi gw mau coba renungin ini malem ini: life is beautiful. dan ngga perlu matahari buat bikin hari jadi indah, ngga perlu dosen baik hati bahkan teman-teman lucu untuk bikin semua jadi baik. semua udah dibikin baik sama Tuhan... kadang-kadang gw aja susah ngeliatnya.

yay, 1800 kata lagi. love u, yokoyama kenji!

really, maybe...

2009-10-08T01:00:00.002+09:00

really, maybe I should've been a graphic designer instead.

I procrastinate a lot. peek here and there for random inspirations from random places. I enjoy watching movies, a lot. I feel more relaxed and confident at a specific time of the day, especially at night. I can bare spending a lot of time on doing something I like...

I own a nice D90. I dig animations and mechas (not as otaku does, but still), I like random stuff like scrapbooks and latest fashions.

but again... I'm still pretty sure, well... No. I'm never sure. But I know He does.

---

"we're never at a wrong place if we're at God's place."

when it all seems unclear

2009-10-04T00:38:00.003+09:00

problems are not there to take your hope away.

it's a place to learn, to nurture hope that seems lost and far astray.

it's a playground to grow and sway

though when the wind blows too hard, all you need to do is humbly bend, and pray.

don't run away

instead stay and play,

seek and find, that God has His own lovely way

to show you a tomorrow, a new, bright and glorious day

and remember, that alone you are not today

or tomorrow, later, or the day after

'cause I will be there to stay

on your side to care, share, and together bend and pray

to a friend

talk to me anytime, man.

I'll pray that you can make it through these confusing days.

God bless you.

faith-led.

2009-10-02T22:59:00.004+09:00

Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading.

~Oswald Chambers

This was a quotation I found from my morning devotion guide two days ago. The reading was about faith of Mary, however faced with the fact of her virgin pregnancy, obeying God.

Having to bear a child would be unimaginable for me, so I wouldn't say that I understand Mary's situation. However I might say to have faced difficult situations where trusting God was the last thing on my mind. And when it turns out that to trust Him was the best option... Well, He keeps amusing me time and time again.

It's a new semester here in my campus. Followed by lots of rains and fogs, wetting and cooling it down all over the place. Somehow the weather pictured my heart perfectly, how uncertain, gloomy, and wondering the mood is now. I know I would be super busy very soon, wouldn't even have time to sleep or nurture myself. The challenge of the uncertain somehow entertain me, but at the same time fed up a little fear of the upcoming turns of events.

Life's been fun too. How my Dad is suddenly thinking too forward about my whoever-yet-to-be future wife, new friends I made in the new classes, old friends that came back, and the "amazing" professors I have to try and understand. Have some parties going on, back swimming in the sea of faces, life's good.

And back to the quote, Mr. Chambers' words have been echoing in my head for the past days. I don't know the way, yes. No matter how hard I try to figure out and plan, anything unexpected would happen. Even when I say I have dreams, I want to do this and that... I won't even know if I would like being a family man with a financial security, living a life everyone else would say 'safe' and fruitful. I won't even know if I will finally feel full when my dreams and life purpose fulfilled. 'Cause the dreams and life purpose I'm dreaming might not be what He has in store for me.

In the end, it's the faith that will keep me going.

things I do... while my roommate's away.

2009-09-12T20:58:00.002+09:00

probably I shouldn't say this... but it's actually pretty enjoyable to have a whole house for my own as my roommate's away.

apart from the responsibilities like cleaning, opening windows and throwing garbage that now I have to do on my own, apart from the weird silence I sometimes feel when no music is playing or I run out of things to do, it's really, really awesome feeling to be the king of the house.

first of all, the freedom of internet usage. sharing unable you to use internet any way you want. decisions such as when to play games, when to drool over facebook, chat, and blog, decision when to sleep and activate torrents, such are decided with consideration of the other guy next room. if one is still using it for browsing, use of internet for gaming is considered disturbing... worked both ways for me and my roommate. but now, well... he's away... and the internet is all mine... ahahahaha... freedom is in my own hands.

the next thing is about food and cooking time. most of the times when I cook, considering when my roommate will be back is also an important thing. we have to check on each other many times too whether or not the other is eating home, making sure we don't cook to much or too little. that is now, one thing I won't need to worry about.

having more space is fun too, to some extent. space to move around the house, space to just do things you want to do, space of sound, space of time, not worrying whose laundry is now hanging outside so you can do yours... those spaces somehow 'redeemed' back in this solitude.

but most of all is probably the freedom to find myself again. to renew my perspective, being alone and rethink of my life, what I knew so far, what I would and should not do.

yeah... solitude is fun. once in a while. now I wonder why some people need to be surrounded by other people all the time.

a death on the way home.

2009-09-11T23:47:00.003+09:00

today I was finishing my part-time job in Kumon Oita as usual... being dropped off the station by my boss at around 20:15... and I found out the ticket machine wasn't working.

quickly the station attendant came to me and explained... something unusual had happened. some train going from Oita hit some unlucky guy (or probably lucky guy, if it's meant to be a suicide, as he/she succeeded) to his death and people are cleaning up the mess... and there's a delay occuring. according to the attendant the delay might take 30 minutes or so, and I had to wait.

well... everybody else had to wait, and I had no other way to go back, so I might as well wait.

so I bought the ticket, and waited.

after five minutes, I began to realize I haven't had dinner. the truth was, I was in some kind of a healthy food campaign (for myself) and was planning to make a really nice pasta dish at home tonight... but then my stomach spoke louder than the campaign. so occured I went to a convinience store nearby and got a cheap instant noodle... for my dinner. actually I wasn't that far from my campaign... instant noodle is kind of "pasta-ish" too.

after I ate... spending about 30 minutes... really saboring the taste of the mayonnaise and soy sauce melting in my mouth... and the sorta-crunchy feel of the instant ramen... should've left it in hot water for a couple more minutes... - still the train did not go.

went back to the train.
sat down.
slept.
observed a couple of weird-looking Japanese lovebird.
slept.
observed a sweaty middle-aged salaryman with oily hair... can't wait to get home.
slept.
chewed a gum.
smelled myself. wasn't that pleasant.
felt my face. almost as oily as the middle-aged salaryman's hair now.
slept...

and then the train started to move. at what time, ladies and gentlemen? at 22:05. almost two hours late from schedule. thanks to a guy... that decided that he should be hit by a train at the particular time I was going home from part-time job.

then at 23.30 I arrived home. moral of the story? japanese policeman/ambulance-man/whatever-man it is, are slow. cleaning a dead body took them two hours... well maybe they have to follow dead-body-cleaning-道. I knew it. there must be a special 方法 or something. can't blame them then.

next time I should try and get on a train before somebody decides to die. well, never this thankful to be home.

this morning.

2009-09-11T08:37:00.003+09:00

all buttery and wet. apparently a good scrambled egg is not that hard to make. just paste enough butter and salt.

a very american breakfast. well, sort of.

my food moments

2009-09-10T22:09:00.008+09:00

hello again!

wow... it's so good to be back... after a month without writing anything. been "busy", a lot of things going on... not until recently I was in a trip around Osaka, earlier before a voluntary English Immersion Camp with kids from Kumon. a lot of fun... and well, a great deal learned, about parenting.

hmm... probably I wouldn't write about the trip itself... too much photos and things going on, too much memories to be ungrounded, and these hands and mind are just too lazy to jot it down... Dang I should've just made a trip journal!

anyway... have you ever had that moment where you feel proud of your cooking? you know your food is crappy, and you still wouldn't cook it for other people remembering the quality, but you just feel great after cooking it as you've never imagined you'll be cooking for yourself?

I had those moments many times after studying abroad, especially. living alone makes you creative!

if you happen to have access to my facebook page, you would probably notice a series of gallery called "Beppulinary", a collection of photos of my cooking and some other friends... Most done under our limited circumstance of cooking utensils and cheap ingredients - processed in the way to look healthy and yummy - at least for the picture,perhaps.

concealing the secret that the recipe was made basically based on the icky pastes called "instant seasoning" which help you create good food without need of culinary knowledge whatsoever.

still, it's fun.

other thing about food here... is about another moment. again a question, have you ever had that moment feeling thankful, as you're sitting facing a foreign delicacy in a foreign place, about to sabor it as a part of cultural experience?

yes, all those strange food with so many spoon and fork of all different sizes available on the table, they just confuse me sometimes with how to start eating! a lot of time I wonder, why use knife when savoring with your hands give you the best eating experience ever? food confuses and amuses at the same time.

recently I was invited for a little harvest. a friend of mine took me to his family's farm to take sweet corns. they planted a lot and now it's harvest season... having too much to eat among themselves they invited family and friends to take part in the harvest. he drove me then all the way to yufuin... and more than just sweet corns, I came back with a big bag of veggies, including pickles, tomatoes, eggplants and potatoes...

the next day, for the first time in my life, I had salad for dinner, the next day lunch and dinner again. this was how my meals for the past two days looked like:

yay, a temporary vegan! =P can't help to think and feel proud at that time of how healthy I am. hahaha...

did I enjoyed the meal? strangely, yes! the corn was nice and sweet, the baked potato tastes great, and the rest of the veggies come freshly from the fridge, nice and cold salad really helped me to went through the day... the meal was filling, surprisingly.

***

well, there it was. my food moments. moments that would not happen in the comfort of my mom's kitchen. strangely the places where you learn in life are the places where you struggle and face problems...

not that I'm saying my cooking is good, though. no, not yet. =P

hari ini Tuhan ada dalam guru bahasa Jepangku.

2009-07-23T21:54:00.002+09:00

sudah beberapa hari terpikir untuk menyerah, kelas bahasa Jepang semester ini.

sekarang sudah level advanced I, keadaan makin susah dan menjepit, kanji-kanji yang harus diingat semakin banyak dan grammar makin memusingkan.

lalu apa yang terpikir? menyerah saja. menyerah, tidak mengambil ujian akhir, membiarkan mata kuliah ini gagal dan mengulang lagi semester depan. toh tidak akan menyakiti indeks prestasi juga, kata teman-teman. tidak terlalu bahaya. paling cape dan amsyongnya aja harus duduk lagi di kelas advanced I nihongo semester depan.

hari ini tadi siang aku sudah siap. pahit-pahitan ngomong sama guru Jepangku berapa kansku untuk lulus, apakah sebaiknya aku menyerah sekarang saja kalau kansku terlalu kecil.

maka kami ngobrol, aku bercerita sedikit banyak tentang kegelisahan hati dan ketakutan yang kualami. sensei mengerti, dengan caranya sendiri.

katanya,

"masih ada waktu,"
"kenapa ngga percaya diri? kamu bisa bahasa Jepang, kamu mampu!"
"kenapa ngga percaya diri? kamu disukai dua cewe terpintar di kelas (untuk ini ada ceritanya sendiri, kapan2 ya), sensei yakin kamu punya banyak poin positif yang mereka liat!"
"sensei senang ada kamu di kelas. mengajar jadi menarik! sensei senang dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan kamu waktu kita belajar grammar."
"sensei ngga janji kamu bakal lulus, tapi sekarang terlalu cepat untuk menyerah."

dan gw ditampar bangun di situ.

entah kenapa kata-katanya memotivasi gw lagi. untuk ngga memandang diri negatif dan berkata bisa untuk situasi yang udah menjepit ini. emang ngga ada jaminan apa-apa, ngga ada janji klo dia bakal lulusin gw atau semacamnya... tapi ada satu assurance dan semangat baru, dari hati seseorang yang bener-bener yakin sama gw dan percaya klo gw bisa.

gw percaya itu Tuhan, tadi sore. Tuhan yang ngomong (pake bahasa Jepang pula) lewat lidah guru gw buat ngasi gw motivasi baru. buat gw ngga nyerah dan bertahan sampe akhir... sampe ada hasil. ngga mundur sebelum perang selesai.

dan iya, gw lupa klo Dia juga udah janji. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me."

semangat saam~ ^^

memory card!!

2009-07-22T21:10:00.002+09:00

hari ini pesenan memory card dan tas kamera dari amazon datang.

akhirnya kamera gw ada "film"nya dan udah bisa motret2 tadi. wah, impresi pertama gw cuman: keren banget bunyi shutter nikon. "krenyess..." gimana gtu kae kerupuk. warnanya juga terang, seru... ngga nyesel! yuhuuuyyy!! =)

emang blm ngerti apa2 jg sih, setting2an dan segala macemnya. blm ada waktu buat itu juga. mesti nyiapin presentasi (minggu ini ada tiga, wah wah..), dan tadi baru selesai kuis social theory. thank God, ngga terlalu susah...

iya, itu aja deh. cuma pengen berbagi sukacita. cihuyy!!

teenlit?

2009-07-22T00:36:00.003+09:00

hari ini ada temen kampus yang bilang notes2 gw (blog ini) mirip teenlit. ngomongnya sambil lalu sih, tapi gw jadi kepikiran... mirip teenlit darimananya ya?

pertama, blog ini tidak pink, tidak dilayout banci-banci dengan gambar-gambar berwarna pastel lembut... COKLAT HITAM dengan FOTO LOMO sebagai header, kurang garang apa layout gww, hah? hah?? (kok jadi alay gini sih)

kedua, teenlit adalah serial novel yang paling gw ngga suka... pokoknya klo disuruh pilih baca lima sekawan atau teenlit gw bakal pilih lima sekawan kemana-mana. kenapa gw ngga suka teenlit? hmm... novel-novel teenlit rata-rata feminis ngga sih? cewe2 "unik" dengan segala kesibukan dalam hidup mereka, sampai tiba-tiba seorang cowo ganteng jatuh dari langit berusaha memenangkan hati mereka... wah, penulis2 itu entah pintar sekali mengocok emosi dan hati para kaum hawa, membuat banyak dari mereka ketar-ketir dan berangan-angan yang tidak-tidak setelah membaca teenlit.

tidak realistis.

jadi tidak mungkinlah gw menulis seperti teenlit.

tapi tunggu. mungkin memang apa yang gw tulis hari-hari ini isinya tentang percintaan semua, ya tidak? puisi-puisi ngga jelaslah, "jeritan-jeritan hati" tidak kesampaian lah... hmm... mungkin karena itu jadi mirip teenlit?

iya, gw hari-hari ini banyak menulis mimpi. bukan mimpi masa depan atau semacamnya. mimpi romantisme siang bolong yang jujur aja, emang banyak menyita waktu. puisi-puisi random, foto-foto random dan artikel ngga jelas tentang "cinta"... yang ngga juga ngasi gw apa-apa.

yes, I fancied someone lately.

emang berat dan kadang melankolis, saat menanti. rasanya ingin sabar, tapi sisi lain diri bertanya pula, "Tuhan, inikah dia?", dan ketika ketidak sabaran itu mengambil tempat, banyak yang disakiti, banyak yang dibuat bingung.

*nah, makin kae teenlit deh*
*geesh this blog is so gay*
*give'm a break, people! the guy's crying his heart out!*

"jadi sekarang masih ngga sam? siapa? SIAPA?"

yah gitulah ya pokoknya. udah, abis ini ngga ada lagi cinta cintrong contreng di blog ini (diusahaken).

udah ah, sekali-sekali ngasi ending gantung biar seru.

~(mungkin) bersambung. TE-TE-TE-REEENGG...

to shape or to be shaped?

2009-07-18T22:35:00.004+09:00

disclaimer: this article does not represent any research, any political or academic perspective... it's merely an afternoon thought after my second can of suntory coffee.

***

is it society that created religion, or is it religion that is shaping the society?

in the beginning it was nature, my beloved professor of social studies said. it was nature that pre-dated culture, pre-dated even human being and their system. then came culture. with culture come the government, our living system and along with it religion.

it is human being that, in all our ignorance, in all our indifference, suggest that everything has been like that from the beginning. we misunderstood, mis-divide our perspective on whether a certain thing is culture-created or naturally-defined.

when asked of why we do certain things, how is it done and in what way is it affecting us, we simply answer it's done because our ancestors did so. we ignorantly are following our ancestors, while truly, what they believed was true in the past... it does not always mean it should be our truth as well - our nature.

the same thing as religion. we forgot that the people who forged it lived in the past. and even though it contained an absolute truth to many of us, still there are things we need to balance inside.

religion should not justify you to be harsh, to be full of hatred and misunderstand other.
religion should not be a manual of how you act. your love of God and others should.
religion should not be a reason to fight with another religion...

why fighting over something we created? religion came along as excess of humanity, along with culture. give human beings five hundred years and who knows how will we be in the future.

personally, I have a faith too. I believe that there is God, I believe that there is a Divine Being that loves me and taking care of me. It's a different thing with religion. Many times in my society it's merely source of conflict, hatred, reason to fight for personal interests in the name "god".

you could say I have too much suntory... or we can simply smile and pray... work together for a better world.

***

after six years of peace, it happened again.

beli kamera, ultah, dan lain-lain.

2009-07-17T13:17:00.002+09:00

sedikit update tentang hidup...

dua hari yang lalu baru ultah, dan seperti biasa ada tradisi saling mengerjai di antara anak-anak seangkatan. mela telpon jam 11 malam, bilang dia lagi ada di kamegawa dan minta ditemani jalan pulang ke mochigahama (kira-kira dari pondok indah mall sampe jl. fatmawati jaraknya). ya udahlah, ditawari nginep juga dia ngotot ngga mau, tetep mau pulang... dan akhirnya gw temenin jalan. udah kira2 2/5 bagian, dia ngajak gw jalan lewat pantai dan... di situ nunggu udah temen-temen gw dengan kue dan lagu happy birthday... makasih ya friends.

dapet email dari nyokap jg di facebook. mama ingetin klo ini sudah jadi ultah ketiga gw yg ngga dirayain sama-sama orang tua. yang pertama di brazil, dan yang kedua taun kemaren di sini juga. nyokap ngasi ayat...

"...orang yang menanti-nantikan Tuhan mendapat kekuatan baru: mereka seumpama rajawali yg naik terbang dg kekuatan sayapnya; mereka berlari dan tidak menjadi lesu, mereka berjalan dan tidak menjadi lelah" (Yes 40:31).

dan iya, gw emang mesti menantikan Tuhan lebih lagi.

Satu hal lain yang jadi renungan gw, hmm... Dulu pas gw umur 9 tahun dan bakal jadi 10, gw seneng banget karena usia gw berubah jadi dua digit. Girang banget entah kenapa. Berasa keren kali ya. Sekarang dari dua digit itu angka puluhannya berubah, hmm... Gw dua puluh sudah.

Di Jepang umur ini dianggap sudah dewasa, sudah jadi orang. Tapi sudahkah benar-benar saya jadi orang? Ya, itu juga jadi perenungan...

***

mau beli kamera. Sudah pesan di internet beberapa hari lalu. mungkin weekend ini barangnya sampai. sudah lama ingin belajar fotografi dan akhirnya ada kesempatan juga. oia, foto2 dari holga gw tentang inaweek yang akhir2 ini udah gw cetak... bagus2 gambarnya, seneng deh. =) klo udah sempet gw bakal coba upload ke sini.

***

oia. I hosted a french girl through hospitalityclub.com. Tau website ini dari buku jalan-jalan ke Eropa, dan akhirnya coba daftar. belum numpang malah ngehost duluan. Namanya Noemi... dia lagi backpacking keliling Jepang selama sebulan. anaknya asik... wuh tapi ranselnya raksasa! ada 10kg kali.

ya, jadi pengalaman menarik ngehost teman baru dari luar negeri. dia datang hari senin dan pergi lagi selasa pagi.

***

hmm mungkin segitu dulu updatenya... maaf, maaf, tulisan gw banyak yang random hari-hari ini. puisi-puisi dll... yah ada saat-saat gw emang mellow banget. hahaha.

take care peeps. =)

tulisan entah kesekian untukmu.

2009-07-05T23:46:00.003+09:00

hey teman,
kamu kok jadi lain?

come, come close. I don't bite.

Mr. J

2009-06-27T02:14:00.003+09:00

dia akhirnya mati aja loh.
tiba2 kena serangan jantung, akhirnya habislah sudah nafasnya, siang2 bolong.

tapi yah, emang pada akhirnya semua orang bakal habis juga kan?
yang jadi masalah kaenya bukan kapannya...
tapi siap ngganya kita klo kita dipanggil.

udah ninggalin jejak yang bener belum?
udah beres sama yang di Atas belum?
udah berbuah dan meninggalkan legacy belum?
hidupmu penuh konflik, atau terus memberkati orang lain?

yah, saya juga masih terus memperbaiki diri. yuk introspeksi sama-sama.

~farewell, mr. jackson.

after a teal meal.

2009-06-25T20:53:00.002+09:00

to you
there
that laughs nervously
at everything I said

regardless the humor quality
the funny
or the cheesy
it just tickles you wittily

wish I could really
make you laugh
not sheepishly
out of cheap awkward dough

well well
we only met today
but a story to tell:
you kinda made my day.

when you're pissed.

2009-06-21T23:34:00.003+09:00

when you're pissed

choose to sit, smile, and be bliss

unload that cocked gun of fury

take a deep breath and count to three

when you're pissed

instead of firing shots that will surely miss

contemplate on the good things, the peace and love,

and all of the above

when you're pissed

you might hurt others with your diss

so yeah,

mind that little mouth, you mister and misses!

'cause when you're pissed

from your sight it may cease

that those others that put you to displease

may as well wants you to be dismissed

-sam/21.07.2009

Ucapan Syukur.

2009-06-08T22:08:00.005+09:00

Tuhan...

Hari ini dia cantik sekali.
Melambai seperti cemara tertiup angin, kuat dan gagah namun juga indah.
Jemarinya yang lentik mengayun bagai dedaunan...
Dan parasnya yang tegas melambai cantik.
Indah dalam kesederhanaannya.

Terima kasih telah menciptakannya, Tuhan.
Aku akan belajar terus mengagumi dalam diam.
Menanti waktu-Mu.

Closer

2009-06-07T21:48:00.002+09:00

I don’t understand why we can’t get close enough
I want your kite strings tangled in my trees all wrapped up
I don’t understand why we can’t get close enough
I’ll be the comets that are fallin from the sky you light up

i'm still a designer (at heart) after all...

2009-05-31T00:00:00.002+09:00

ad poster for indonesian batik class 2009 in my campus, APU.

update on life.

2009-05-30T10:08:00.002+09:00

hey...

lots been happening. and I mean lots. seeing it from one perspective, one could just say I got lucky these days, seeing that many good things are happening to me. however, judging from God's perspective... it's been a day to day proof how he's been taking care of me, really well.

I almost finished my first quarter of my third semester in APU. life's starting to take its' shape. I've known my friends, known my interests, but still exploring around the boundaries. this quarter was probably the busiest so far. I'm taking many classes that I actually really like, and made a lot of effort in it. writing reports, doing citations, research, presentation, plenty of class projects been going on.

in the end of it, as I look back on what I've accomplished in this rough two months... well, it wasn't me at all doing all that. it was God and his provision.

I got a scholarship. a year scholarship. will be more than enough to keep me surviving every month. it also means a lot to my parents... it will let them breathe air for this year, not having to send me monthly funds anymore.

my part time job's been going on well. I've been working regularly and God's been taking care of my strength. there are times these past months I got really tired, out of resources, but... time after time it's God and God alone, guiding me with his hands through all the trials and challenges at work.

even God planned my summer break. I'll be going to Osaka to participate in an English Immersion Camp from kumon. It will be a new experience, meeting a lot of new people, but I'm excited about it. I know this camp will be special, as it was not my strength, it was not me impressing the judges during the interview, it was all God. It was all God working behind the scenes putting me in the camp for his divine purpose.

many good things happen involving money. in a way that's another trial, another lesson from the school of life. God's teaching me to manage my money, to be more responsible in managing his blessings.

then comes this thought. what a wonderful life one would lead, walking with God. there are points in my life that I came to doubt God. whether he's really taking care of me, whether he's really planning things for me... but then, it's not my part to worry! it's my part to do well at what I'm responsible of, and he'll plan then my walk of life.

every little detail of it.

Terima Kasih.

2009-05-21T01:23:00.003+09:00

Not that I'm currently in a relationship or anything... Just remembered that I really liked this song when I was in high school. Sounds like these guys are really truly "thankful"... Sweet song. =)

Kau selalu di hatiku
Mengisi ruang dan waktuku
Tetaplah bersamaku
Sampai kita tak sanggup lagi

Bila tak sengaja diriku menyakitkanmu
Beri isyarat padaku
Agar cepat ku mohon maaf padamu

Di saat indah dan sedih
Tulus kau temani aku
Walau kadang kau mengiris perih hatiku
Terima kasih karena kau mencintaiku

Oooh... terimakasih
Kau mencintaiku
Walau kadang kau mengiris perih hatiku
Terima kasih karena kau mencintaiku

Iya Ma, iya. Terima kasih buat doa-doanya. Aku juga ngerti klo sudah waktunya pasti Tuhan tunjukkan yang terbaik. Sekarang belajar dulu ya Ma? Hahaha...
Makasih ya... =)

Duh Sam, ayo belajar Nihongo dulu, yuk?

kalau saja kamu tahu.

2009-05-17T00:18:00.003+09:00

menatap pelan lampu bulat berpendar di tutup kamar
aku tersenyum.
mengingat saat kita bicara, saat kita hiraukan pagi yang menjemput.
aku tersenyum.

saat senyummu merekah,
saat kududuk sampingmu,
dan tak sengaja tersentuh halusmu,
aku tersenyum.

saat kuberjalan di sampingmu,
saat kurasa seolah telah kukenal kau sekian lama
dalam sekejap.

kalau saja kamu tahu, gadis.
mengingat senyummu yang makin jarang
mengingat dirimu yang kian jauh
dan asing...

aku tetap mencoba tersenyum.

after today.

2009-05-13T18:36:00.002+09:00

our relationship with God is not based on a performance basis.

it doesn't matter how much we perform for Him, so called, "serve" Him in our religious activities, singing in church, playing the music, ushering... name it.

if it's not a personal relationship we have. if it's not love that's burning in our hearts... then it's nothing but vanity.

after all, it's just a matter of being a disciple... and discipling others.

to you.there.as if you'd know.hahah.

2009-05-09T09:21:00.002+09:00

"yes, yes dear. gosh.. why such anxiety? you're really going nowhere fast."

beberapa minggu terakhir.

2009-05-09T07:19:00.003+09:00

beberapa minggu terakhir bener-bener luar biasa.

klo diliat secara hal demi hal, gw ngga bisa ngeliat Tuhan mau bikin apa, tapi ketika gw ngeliat "gambaran besar"nya gw bisa liat Tuhan lagi ngebentuk gw jadi orang yang lebih baik lagi. Seperti sering gw denger, "Tuhan lebih tertarik membangun karaktermu daripada kebahagiaanmu."

gw sibuk banget minggu ini. bukan sibuk yang disibuk-sibukin, pura-pura sibuk untuk cari perhatian atau gimana, ngga. bener-bener sibuk. ngambil kelas Human Resource Management yang tugasnya seminggu bisa 2-3 kali, harus ngejar di pelajaran Bahasa Jepang yang makin susah, dan baru-baru ini nyiapin presentasi untuk Cultural Anthropology. Tidur gw kurang banget, makan juga ngga teratur. Sering makan mie, muka gw mungkin klo diliat dari deket ada garis-garisnya kae mie deh, hehehe. (yang ini becanda ya, Ma!)

hmm...

yah, banyaklah ceritanya. keuangan, kelas, pola hidup, dll. Singkat ceritanya, minggu-minggu ini luar biasa.

dan gw belajar untuk bersukacita sama Tuhan. ketika keadaan jadi susah, keadaan jadi ngga menguntungkan dari kacamata gw (mungkin kacamata item kali ya, jadi gelap), gw belajar pelan-pelan ngeliat keadaan itu dari kacamata Tuhan. gw belajar untuk ngga panik, ngga pusing sendiri, tapi tenang dalam Tuhan.

"ayo Sam, ngapain sih kebat-kebit sendiri? Aku sudah atur semua kok..."

dan, as hard as it may seems, itu yang membuat gw belajar tetap tersenyum hari-hari ini. seberapapun tugas yang dateng, ujian dan lain-lainnya, di dalam Tuhan sukacita selalu dipenuhkan!

oia, laptop ketinggalan di bus kemaren malem. panik banget. pas mau fellowship pula. ditemani teman ke bus stop, dan akhirnya sampai nelpon ke pool bus nya. disuruh telpon lagi besok pagi.

entah kenapa, Tuhan kasi gw ketenangan. gw berdoa minta malaikat-Nya jagain laptop gw, dan yah, dengan itu gw bisa damai, yakin percaya klo apapun hasilnya, ketemu ataupun ngga, semua udah diatur Tuhan. "Tuhan, berikan aku kekuatan untuk menerima hasil apapun yang Kau siapkan," gtu gw berdoa kemaren malem.

dan tadi pagi gw telpon pool itu lagi... laptop gw ketemu.

kadang-kadang Tuhan iseng, gtu kali ya. ngetes-ngetes, "beneran ngga kamu beriman sama Aku?"

dari pengalaman itu juga... Dia bicara sama gw gini. "Sam, laptop hilang dan kamu panik toh? Bagaimana dengan jiwa-jiwa yang terhilang setiap harinya? Sekarang kamu makin ngerti kan sedihnya hati-Ku ngeliat mereka yang terhilang tanpa Kristus?"

ya Tuhan... 何となく分かる。 ("dikit2 ngertilaahh...")

hari ini sampe besok, gw bakal exchange. homestay di rumah seorang Jepang yang mau belajar bahasa Portugis. klo ditelaah (ciah) lagi, lucu kan? di Jepang kok bisa ketemu orang yang mau belajar Portugis. dan bisa-bisanya dulu gw pernah ke Brazil dan bisa Portugis. Semua udah diatur sama Bapaku, Providerku (duh kae ngomongin ISP aja) yang mengagumkan.

ah, Dia memang Bapa yang luar biasa. ajar aku terus, Tuhan!

a thought.

2009-04-25T23:31:00.001+09:00

"do you really care, or... are you merely wanting to know?"

love.is.not

2009-04-22T01:26:00.003+09:00

Love is not just a function of the eyes.
Beautiful objects will, of course, inspire
Possessive urges - you need not to despise
Your taste. But when insatiable desire
Inflames you for a girl who's out of fashion,
Lacking in glamour - plain, in fact - that fire
Is genuine; that's the authentic passion.
Beauty, though, any critic can admire.

-Marcus Agentarius (20 BC - 30 AD), trans. Fleur Adcock (1934- )

two.weeks.//provision.

2009-04-22T00:31:00.005+09:00

picture from flickr.com

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest."
Matthew 11:28 (The Message)

It's funny how often it occurs to me, how mood swings could many times exceeds your physical sanity, allowing you to write sleepily in late hours, not willing to let the inspiration fly apart.

I've now been in Japan for two weeks and a day. A lot of stories been happening. There are surprises, a little fight and kisses here and there, but I'm surviving and living my life back.

I would like to summarize this two weeks with a word: Provision. Not at all familiar with this word until around two months ago, a friend of mine mentioned it, saying that she's "living within God's provision." So before we go any further, here's a little definition of the word itself. There were a lot of definition around, but I picked one that suits the context and relate to the story I'm about to tell you.

Provision: "arrangement or preparation beforehand, as for the doing of something, the meeting of needs, the supplying of means, etc."

So God's provision to me, would mean an arrangement of the Creator to meet the needs of the created in His understanding. Yes, in His understanding. Many times we think we know what's best for us, what's good and seem to lead to a better future, but the truth is, we totally have no idea! And it is our Creator, our Heavenly Father, that has set upon a blueprint of His purpose for our life... Meeting all our needs for our growth to reach His purpose.

And now my story begins.

Not long after I arrived, I discovered that I've brought too many clothes and books, without room anywhere to stack it. My drawer were already overflowing with t-shirts and sheets, my clothes hanger barely enough for my shirts, I had a one-too-small book rack... Soon enough I found myself stacking the leftover clothes and papers on the floor, in the corner of my room.

Still thinking of the solution, not long, around 3 or 4 days after arrival I'm thinking of buying clothes hangers in a nearby 100 Yen shop. Somehow, that day, after reminding myself over and over again in the morning, I totally forgot about it, ended up not buying them.

Then my housemate, later that night, received a call. It was from a distant senior, telling us that she's going to move out and that she's got some stuffs to give away. She said that there was only a plastic drawer at first, but as we came to her house, she ended up giving us, well, me, a wooden rack for my books, a plastic drawer, and a bunch of coat hangers. Oh, and an electric carpet and comforter too.

I wowed. Isn't it amazing that the Ruler of the universe actually care about your shirts laying messy around your room? That He would send these furniture for me that I have to actually re-decorate my room as I received so many new stuff! Later I even found another comforter being thrown away in front of a Japanese house. It was still in a good condition that I then took it home and use it to cover my bed. There goes provision number one.

***

Some days after, it was a Saturday morning. I was going home, already in the residential area with my bike, then I saw a TV table being thrown away. I decided to take it home, unwisely, riding my bike one handed holding the TV table on one side. Suddenly, I reached a crossing, and a car came from my right side, and I got hit.

I was shocked and kind of lost myself for a couple seconds there, when I suddenly got to my senses again, my bike was on the floor, and the TV table, well... it surely has seen better days.

The right brake handle of my bike got crooked, the right wing broken, the left front lamp got smashed, as well as the front left side of the car.

I was so scared that I remained silent. Thoughts were running in my head. What if they're gonna make me pay? What if they're gonna be mad at me? What if this, what if that? I kept thinking and thinking and forgetting that I was totally okay. Well, my right arm was cut, and I had bruises here and there, but more than that, nothing. Wonderfully untouched. No harm. Nada.

To make the long story short, later that day we went to the police to report what has happened, and decided then to take care of the damage with our own insurances. Still working on the process of getting the money, next week I'll be going to Oita to bring photos of the damage I got, but there was nothing more than that.

My hitter, didn't got mad at all, were really sympathetic. I was touched (literally) and checked in places for bruises and cuts, given oranges and a bottle of tea as apology after the hit.

So then, no major damage on my body, a kind-hearted family who owned the car that's sincerely taking care of everything... A bunch of friends that later came and asked about me... Thank God for provision number two.

***

And I would like to see how I've been guided throughout my classes these first two weeks of study, provision number three. I've totally found my interest, even possibly my most decent field of study. It's gonna require bits of changes, taking of new majors, but other than that, none. I have finally found where I must settle. The classes I'm taking this semester, well, so far this quarter, seems to be fun and understandable. Well, they require hard work and lots of reading, most of them, but at least I'm not getting one of those Asian teacher with weird accents that get you struggling in the class to grasp whether they're actually saying anything or just mumbling.

There are also circles, new student clubs that I'm planning to attend to. And oh, how excited I am for Indonesian Week!

***

Surely in life there are many things that we couldn't understand. Conflicts we had, clashes we discover, broken friendship and dismissed trust, but above all, I will continue reminding myself over and over again that there is a greater purpose, a bigger picture that serves for the greater good.

It is sometimes hard to see, as there would be difficult times and troubles, hindered us to fix our eye on what our Father has been doing, but let us be reminded that He is a wonderfully sweet Dad, taking care of our needs BEFORE we think we need them. Protecting us from stuffs we don't yet know of the danger. Preparing our lives with gifts and wonderful lessons that sometimes we are not aware of...

Provision. Yet another wonderful character of my wonderful Heavenly Dad. I know I'm being taken care of. Anyone taking care of you?

dareyoutomove

2009-04-19T20:00:00.003+09:00


Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here...

~thanks, bro. love u.

peacewhenimconfused

2009-04-19T18:58:00.004+09:00

"Can a mother forget the infant at her breast, walk away from the baby she bore? But even if mothers forget, I'd never forget you--never."

saat kulihat kamu

2009-04-13T22:33:00.004+09:00

aku bingung lihat kamu.
setiap kali kudekat,
kau menjauh.
setiap kali kubicara,
kau terdiam.

aku bingung lihat kamu.
ada senyum di wajahmu,
yang dengan mudah akan kau ukirkan untuk mereka
tapi tak pernah untukku.

aku bingung lihat kamu.
seolah penuh cinta
bagi dunia
tapi tak pernah untukku.

dan akhirnya,
aku bingung lihat aku.
yang kebingungan melihatmu kelamaan.

~kasian deh, loe!

A Question

2009-04-11T17:55:00.001+09:00

"What is it You want me to learn, Lord?"

-a buzzing question finally written after the accident today...

Setelah Tiga Hari

2009-04-11T00:48:00.002+09:00

Hai!

Udah tiga hari sekarang kembali ke Jepang lagi. Udah nyicipin takoyaki, ramen, dan beli ayam 'murah' Brazil dari A-Price lagi.

Dan udah ngatur uang sendiri lagi.

Satu tantangan yang seperti mencobai gw terus menerus. Artinya gw belum menang ya? Yah, harus belajar terus. Rasanya uang itu keluar dan keluar saja, membayar keperluan ini itu (yang memang perlu juga), dan setelah jumlahnya menipis, kekuatiran itu muncul.

Ketika gw ngeliat tagihan apartemen, tagihan uang kuliah, dan oh, ternyata gw mesti beli karcis bis satu tahun juga, karena biayanya yang ngga beda jauh sama biaya parkir motor di kampus (yang harus gw bayar juga karena stiker parkirnya akhirnya expired)... Mendingan naik bis lah ya, ngga ngeden dan pasti ngga kena angin di jalan.
Dan ya, ketika gw ngeliat semuanya itu... Jujur terbersit, oh Tuhan, dari mana uangnya?

Harus gw akui gw mesti lebih jeli mengamati pekerjaan tangan-Nya. Ketika gw dikasi kerjaan paruh waktu, biar cuman sedikit, kira-kira seminggu sekali, itu tangan Tuhan yang ngasi. Tangan Tuhan yang nggerakin hati temen gw untuk nawarin kerjaan itu ke gw. Ketika gw kemaren ini bawa baju banyak, dan lemari baju gw jadi ngga muat lagi, tiba-tiba ada teman lain menelpon di tengah malam, menghibahkan lemari dan gantungan baju baru. Padahal siangnya gw baru mau beli gantungan baju, dan LUPA. Iya, emang Papi yang bikin lupa karena Dia mau kasih gratis...

Entah kenapa, gw yakin Dia juga yang menggerakkan gw sore ini untuk duduk lama di depan komputer, menyelesaikan aplikasi lamaran SA (kerjaan jadi staff ruang komputer kampus) dan SPA (kerjaan jadi staff publikasi kampus) yang gw tunda sejak dua hari lalu. Aplikasi SA sudah kemudian gw kirim, sementara aplikasi SPA masih menunggu tugas peliputan yang harus gw lakukan bulan Mei nanti.

Setelah tiga hari ini, gw ingat klo gw terus menerus mengingatkan diri sendiri, untuk fokus. Dan wow, memang dengan fokus lebih banyak hal terselesaikan dalam waktu yang singkat. Oia, dalam hal rohani gw juga berusaha untuk terus fokus. Sudah tiga hari ini saat teduh tidak bolong, jalan terus. Gw bersyukur...

Sementara untuk hal-hal yang belum terselesaikan? Gw belajar berserah dan melangkah setia dalam iman... Gw percaya janji Tuhan bahwa Dia selalu merencanakan kebaikan, dan untuk tidak kuatir, melainkan memiliki pikiran dan perasaan Kristus.

Ya, makasih Tuhan buat tiga hari ini. Awal yang berharga, awal yang mengasyikkan dari sebuah semester yang gw yakin bakal luar biasa. Ampuni aku yang sering kuatir ya, Pa? Aku akan lebih erat berpegangan pada-Mu, meyakini genggaman tangan-Mu yang kokoh, menuntunku selalu ke padang yang hijau.

I love You, JC. You're such a wonderful Daddy and Friend. =)

Gadis Indah Bertabur Sayang

2009-04-01T21:39:00.005+09:00

Kemarin kita bertemu pandang lagi

Kau tatap aku dengan senyum dalam sambil berujar,
"Kangen..."

Dan kitapun bercakap dalam,
Melompat riang dalam lontaran kata demi kata.
Kupandangi lalu sejuk wajahmu yang tetap ramah
Dan kini dua bulir mata itu ikut tersenyum.

Ketika akhirnya lontaran kata mereda
Dan kukatakan, "harus ku kembali."
Kau merengut penuh sayang, memintaku tinggal lebih lama.
Namun ya, kuharus pulang.

Sampai jumpa lagi, gadis indah bertabur sayang.

Malam Luka, Melodi Kasih

2009-03-31T01:49:00.003+09:00

Saat kau jatuh dan terluka
Hidup hampa terasa
Jangan pernah takut dan menyerah
Kar'na Aku pernah merasakannya

Saat kau sendiri menanti
Harapan yang tak pasti
Janganlah kau bimbang menjalani
Kar'na semua pernah Aku lalui

Buluh yang patah terkulai
Takkan pernah dipatahkan
Sumbu yang pudar nyalanya
Takkan pernah dipadamkan

Sadarilah bahwa
Kau takkan pernah sendiri
Ada Yesus
Yang s'lalu peduli...

***

Makasih Tuhan. Makasih. Aku yakin Kau memang selalu peduli. Dan mengerti.

Papers from the Past

2009-03-30T18:07:00.001+09:00

I always thought I had a vile childhood.

Never had much memory left of it, always ‘forced’ to picture it as a time of sadness, where I was lonely, friendless, and a nerd. These statements are true to some extent, I was a loner, I couldn’t communicate well and I didn’t have much friend. But it has always been the angle I’ve been looking at… Until today.

I was asked to rearrange some files today. What files? My mom has this large collection of certificates of achievements and many important papers I’ve gotten since I was in the kindergarten until recently. You might ask, how would a mom be so careful, collecting every bits and pieces of her son’s life in a binder? There’s a story behind it. When she was a little girl, she told me, her dad used to be careless in taking care of his children’s paper. He kept my mom’s birth certificate in his money latch in his shop, and the paper got swept away when a sudden flood came. But still I wouldn't blame my grandpa for that. Who would sustain being organized when you have 16 children to feed?

Anyway. When I was flipping through my papers today, looked at it carefully one by one while moving them from one binder to another… I noticed that hey, I was a bright kid!

I got ranked as the 3rd best student when I was in elementary school. I was then again the 3rd best in junior high. I finished my elementary school with 95 marks on my Math. Yet there was a time I was questioning my ability of teaching math for elementary school students!

Outside the academics, there are many achievements I’ve made. I finished my language schools with great remarks from my teachers; I participated and won many competitions, varying from computer science to singing!

Finished with the rearrangements, I came down to see my mom. I thanked her for been keeping all the archives neatly filed for me, and said, “how I wish I could’ve seen these papers before I started my university year…”

I’ve been making many wrong turns. I’ve been focusing on the wrong things, the wrong places, things I wouldn’t excel at, where I don't actually have any interest on. I’ve been also listening to people that are saying that I’m in the wrong place, in the wrong timing. That I don't have what it takes, that I’m not smart enough to follow the pace. But this afternoon, my eyes are re-opened.

I’m not rewriting my CV, no. The papers, the certificates, as I browsed on it, it has become a push for me. To not let others think what they think best for me, but to start thinking for myself what my future will be. Yeah Sam, you’re actually bright enough! Maybe less looking around, abandon the wrong games, mind the girls less. =) Then excel and fly!

Peha, oh Peha...

2009-03-28T02:07:00.002+09:00

Barusan gw ngobrol sama satu temen lama gw.

Ngga pake basa-basi, dia langsung tembak begini, “Sam, menurut lu klo pacaran sama orang yang beda gereja, gimana?”

Dan mulailah akhirnya diskusi panjang kita tentang memilih pacar, memilih pasangan hidup, kriteria dan pewaktuan Tuhan.

Tapi jujur aja gw sendiripun bingung klo dimintai jawaban mengenai hal-hal kae gini. Ya, secara gw belum ngalamin… Ngga ada yang liat kan, gw jalan-jalan di mall gandeng istri atau dorong kereta bayi akhir-akhir ini?

Meskipun begitu, gw belajar klo Tuhan punya jalan yang indah dan seru buat masing-masing orang. Seperti seorang koki yang handal, dalam perjalanan hidup kita Tuhan udah siapin hidangan-hidangan yang berbeda-beda dan dalam menikmatinya, harus berurutan dan sabar.
Itulah, yang kemudian gw sadari, disebut proses hidup. Seringkali kita ngga sabar dan merasa kita lebih tahu, lebih ngerti mana yang lebih baik dari kita. Sehingga dalam menikmati hidangan-hidangan tersebut, kita buru-buru dan ingin langsung mencapai hidangan yang menurut kita paling baik, melewatkan urutan-urutan penting yang memang sudah didesain untuk sebuah tujuan.

Dalam hal inipun, gw cerita sama temen gw yang lucu itu tadi, klo gw masih terus belajar. Tentang juga gimana gw akhir-akhir ini, apa yang gw hadapi dalam 6 bulan terakhir… Semuanya proses, gw rasakan. Proses yang membuat gw sadar, klo emang setia menanti yang dari Tuhan itu yang terbaik.

Gw juga diingetin sama hubungan gw di masa lalu, apa yang gw lakuin, apa yang udah gw bangun di masa SMA gw dulu… Ketika sebuah hubungan ngga punya tujuan yang jelas, ngga memuliakan Tuhan, itu bakal jadi bumerang yang akhirnya bikin kacau semuanya.

Gw konservatif? Oh ngga, sekali lagi, gw yakin Tuhan punya cara yang lain-lain, unik buat setiap orang. Tapi dalam mencapai the ultimate love story, jika kita mau jujur dan menyerahkan semuanya sama Dia, semua kita bakal diproses, bakal ngalamin banyak hal sampai pada akhirnya kita memahami dan menghargai kasih seutuhnya, dari Sang Penulis cerita cinta yang sejati.

Dan akhirnya, setelah diskusi lumayan panjang, temen gw bilang, “gw pengen tau, ntar istri lu siapa…”

Yah, kawan! Klo itu mah gw juga penasaran, kali! =)

Situ Gintung, dan Fananya Hidup

2009-03-28T02:05:00.001+09:00

Hari ini tanggul jebol di Situ Gintung.

Terakhir kali nonton berita, 30 orang lebih sudah ditemukan meninggal, dan masih banyak lagi orang-orang yang hilang ditelan lumpur yang luruh subuh tadi.

Di berita tadi sore, gw ngeliat seorang kakek. Dia kehilangan 7 orang sanak saudaranya, dan 4 di antaranya sudah ditemukan meninggal. Saat ditayangkan ia tengah berjalan gamang, hampir gila memanggil-manggil cucunya, “Tong, Tong, hilang kemana sih lu Tong…”

Ceritanya malam sebelumnya di rumah si kakek tersebut diadakan syukuran keluarga, hasilnya banyak anggota keluarga yang akhirnya ngumpul, menginap di rumahnya, dan harus hilang bahkan tewas di pagi harinya.

Gila, hidup itu fana banget ya.

Hari ini lu bisa jalan senang-senang di mall, makan enak, berdandan dan tampil keren, tapi siapa yang tau klo besok nyawa lu bakal melayang? Klo Tuhan udah tentuin hari ini, satu jam lagi, atau bahkan lima menit lagi lu bakal dipanggil pulang, lu bisa apa?

Yet still some play out their life like it’s merely a game.

Buat gw, kejadian hari ini jadi satu peringatan lagi. Peringatan betapa gw ini makhluk yang sementara dan segera lalu. 100 tahun, yah bila diberi umur panjang. Tapi bila Tuhan berkehendak lain?

Sudahlah, selama hidup, hiduplah buat Tuhan. Live to serve the greater purpose. Mau ngapain lagi sih?

(nggak) salah jurusan

2009-03-27T01:16:00.002+09:00

hai hia hai!

hari ini hari yang istimewa buat gw... bukan ultah pacar atau anjing kesayangan, melainkan hari registrasi mata kuliah di kampus tercinta, APU...

berhubung IP gw semester ini ngga tinggi... (hhh...) mengakibatkan gw harus daftar gelombang kedua, yang artinya gw harus menunggu gelombang pertama mengacak-acak memperebutkan kelas-kelas keren dan gw harus pasrah menerima sisanya.

jadi tadi pagi, di komputer warnet, gw duduk dan mulai registrasi... wah... banyak banget kelas yang gw harapin bakal bisa gw ambil ngga bisa kedaftar, udah penuh. akhirnya ya... ngga sisa-sisa banget sih yang gw dapet, kelas2 foundation dan major yang bagus juga... cuma emang bukan inceran gw untuk semester ini.

sebenernya.. gw sampe mikir. apa ngga harusnya kelas-kelas itu bisa dipesen dan dipaketin aja ya? klo di indo kan gtu, semua mahasiswa udah tenang, dijatahin kelas2 apa aja per semester... ngga usah berebutan (literally berebutan) kae gtu. yang pengen fokus kemana bisa lebih mikir dan yakin klo mereka bakal dapet tuh kelas. tapi mungkin bingung juga nanti ngatur klo satu kelas ngetop banget dan semua pengen ngambil, kali ya..

***

gw lagi pengen banget belajar fotografi. kembali ke rumah, kembali dikelilingi seni. tiap hari ngeliatin lukisan, foto, gambar dan karya orang-orang yang dibawa ke galeri buat dibingkai. wih, seni itu luas banget teman-teman... dari kayu batangan sampe cetakan batik, dengan sentuhan tangan yang tepat, jadilah dia seni.

nah, fotografi adalah seni yang sudah terbukti dapat dibisniskan. dari narsis2an, nikah, sampe sunatan... semua perlu foto. wah, klo ngeliat fotografer yang dateng ke galeri... bawaannya seneng gtu. mereka carefree, senyum senyum melulu, dan selalu dateng dengan kebanggaan. yah karena foto-foto yang mereka bingkai uda pasti hasil orderan orang, yang bakal dibayar mahal.

di luar pertimbangan bisnis dan keuntungannya, gw tetep ngerasa foto itu seni yang menarik dan luas. wah, apalagi klo ntar travelling sambil hunting foto, wih itu mah mantep banget daah...

rada ngga nyambung ya sama kuliah gw skarang? iya, gw juga baru tes bakat beberapa hari lalu dan ngerasa klo interest gw jauuh banget dari apa yang gw pelajari di kampus sekarang.

tapi begini cara gw berpikir: "it's not that you've learn nothing from Japan... she taught you many lessons on life that you won't get anywhere else."

dan dengan cara berpikir yang begitu gw bakal maju... biar gw sekarang ngga bisa ngeliat apa yang di depan gw... tapi gw percaya klo ada satu "bigger picture", satu desain besar yang gw ngga bisa ngerti, tapi sudah disiapin sama Yang di Atas buat kebaikan gw. sementara sambil kuliah ini, kemudian gw akan ngejar minat-minat gw yang lain entah di grafis ataupun fotografi.

sabar ya sam, sabar... Tuhan uda siapin yang terbaik. amiiin...

A Call To Dance

2009-03-18T00:34:00.004+09:00

A song's been stuck in my head for some days now. A song about a promise, a song about the strength of love.

Imagining such a man, such a love could he chose to give to the one he loves, makes me ponder upon the true meaning of love once again. I've been told many times that love is more than just that shivery-electric feeling you get on the sight of someone; but it's a decision one must take, a decision one must carry as a promise throughout the rest of their lives together.

And this song, how it remind me of that again! It's a promise to dance, a promise to love one another 'till the end no matter what comes their way...

I've watched the sunrise in your eyes
And I've seen the tears fall like the rain
You've seen me fight so brave and strong
You've held my hand when I'm afraid

We've watched the seasons come and go
We'll see them come and go again
But in winter's chill, or summer's breeze
One thing will not be changin'
We will dance
When the sun is shining
In the pouring rain
We'll spin and we'll sway
And we will dance
When the gentle breeze
Becomes a hurricane
The music will play
And I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we will dance

Sometimes it's hard to hold you tight
Sometimes we feel so far apart
Sometimes we dance as one
And feel the beating of each others hearts

Some days the dance is slow and sweet
Some days we're bouncing off the walls
No matter how this world may turn
Our love will keep us from fallin'

We will dance
When the sun is shining
In the pouring rain
We'll spin and we'll sway
And we will dance
When the gentle breeze
Becomes a hurricane
The music will play
And I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we will dance

The music will play
And I'll hold you close
And I won't let you go
Even when our steps
Grow weak and slow
Still I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we, will dance...

It's a promise I also long to be able to oath and keep. To you, my yet anonymous lover. One day dear, one day...

Bandung!

2009-03-17T23:48:00.002+09:00

Bandung sayang, Bandung!

Ya, gw pergi ke Bandung weekend lalu. Well, I said this before... Emang liburan gw kali ini dipenuhi dengan low-budgeted travel, tapi still, I want to get the most fun out of it...

Gw berangkat Jumat malam, naik travel dan turun langsung di tempat kos sohib lama gw Julius. Julius ngga berubah sama sekali, tetap stabil dan cool, malah rasanya tambah tegang. Mungkin keseringan kehirup gas-gas aneh di lab kimia kali ya...

Dan malem itu juga gw ke warung roti bakar bareng Jul. Ngobrol panjang, dan yah, lucunya sobat baik begitu kali ya. Udah lamaa banget ngga ketemu, tapi tetep aja ngobrol langsung nyambung, kae ngga pernah pisah. Bener-bener enjoy malem itu ngobrol, tuker pikiran khas gw dan dialah.

Besoknya lebih seru lagi. Paginya ngeliatin Dody dan Anthony main tenis... Siangnya jalan-jalan sendiri di Dago dan sekitarnya, cari tas, kaos dll... Wah, dalam perjalanan ini akhirnya gw menemukan "fashion center"nya Bandung, yaitu di Jl. Riau dekat sekolah Aloisius! Selama ini ngapain ya, gw ke Cihampelas atau Cibaduyut? Dapetnya cuman barang-barang standar dan murahan... Abis belanja, sorenya makan, dan istirahat.

Minggunya, oh Minggu! Ketemu temen-temen lagi di Pizza Hut. Ada acara gathering khusus SMAK GS, and I was such a privileged one to be able to attend. Ketemu Merlin yang tambah tembem dan lucu... Ketemu Febe yang masih saja seperti ibu-ibu... ^^ Ketemu cowo-cowo yang yah, omongannya masih ngga jauh-jauh dari sepak bola dan cewek. In many ways they're still the same, masih temen-temen yang gw tinggalin ke Brazil dua tahun lalu.

Abis makan kita karaoke, hahaha, bener-bener lain karaokean sama orang Indonesia! Khususnya anak Tangerang kali ya. Kalo di Jepang gw karaokean semalam suntuk, semua asal pilih lagu dan mau nyanyi, kemaren itu kaga! Semua malu-malu, bahkan 5 menit pertama semuanya saling tunjuk-tunjuk, ngga mau milih lagu duluan! Tapi akhirnya suasana cukup mencair dan temen-temen mulai mau nyanyi... Menyenangkan, menyenangkan banget sore itu.

Malemnya gw langsung balik Jakarta. Naik travel JE Express jam 8 malem, sampe di Fatmawati sekitar jam 10. Dijemput bokap.

Bandung was fun. Tapi satu hal yang gw sadari, gw ke Bandung bukan untuk cuacanya, bukan untuk shoppingnya, apalagi untuk makanannya yang murah-murah. Bukan. Gw ke Bandung buat ketemu temen-temen gw! Itu aja.

Ketika kita bertumbuh, kita bakal dibuat sadar banget klo temen-temen itu penting banget. Orang-orang yang dengannya lu duduk sebangku sekitar 8 jam setiap harinya, pada akhirnya mengukir kenangan tak terlupakan di hati lu. Dengan beberapa mungkin ngga seberapa dalam, dengan yang lainnya tertoreh kenangan atau bahkan luka yang masih mungkin basah merah sampai hari ini.

Tapi itulah indahnya berteman! Orang-orang yang ngga selalu cocok dengan lu, mereka yang mengasah hidup lu dan kadang membuat lu tertantang. Dengan beberapa lu bisa nyaman karena mereka menerima lu apa adanya, demikian juga sebaliknya. Dengan lainnya lu harus 'mempelajari' mereka agar tak menyakiti secara tak sengaja.

Gw bersyukur banget gw bisa ketemu mereka lagi, teman-teman pintarku di universitas-universitas keren di Bandung. Tuhan, peliharalah teman-temanku, biar mereka setia ngikut Engkau, dan makin rajin belajar, lulus dan jadi orang pintar yang memberkati sesama!

Friends, love you all! ^^

Berkaca Kembali

2009-03-12T22:22:00.004+09:00

Teman-teman,

Kadang hidup terlihat sulit. Apa yang terpampang di depan mata, jalan yang harus kita tapaki, seringkali terasa ngga mungkin, terasa terlalu jauh, berliku, dan penuh resiko. Namun alangkah baiknya bila kita percaya, Tuhan selalu menyertai kita. Tuhan punya yang terbaik, Tuhan punya rencana yang indah.

Malam ini aku membuka-buka blog pertamaku di friendster dulu. Lalu perhatianku tertambat pada satu post. Post ini, yang kujuduli "Dear Dad", kutulis di masa-masa frustrasiku, di masa-masa aku tidak mengerti arah, ketika aku merasa masuk ke jurusan IPA di SMA adalah keputusan yang salah.

Tapi sekali lagi, Tuhan tidak pernah meninggalkan kita. Saat aku membaca tulisan ini, aku diingatkan kembali, betapa gamang dan galaunya hatiku saat itu. Betapa aku tidak mengerti ke mana Tuhan mau membawaku, betapa aku tidak paham apa yang Dia mau pakai dari diriku.

Namun melihat dari sini, sekarang, sungguh kekuatiranku di masa itu tidak beralasan, dan kekanak-kanakan. Bagaikan seorang bayi yang meragukan kendali ayahnya mendorong kereta bayinya. Sekarang, ketika kulihat kembali masa lalu, aku belajar bersyukur. Aku belajar sabar dan merasa cukup dengan apa yang ada di hadapanku saat ini. Karena ya, Tuhan sudah memeliharaku begitu jauh, mana mungkin ia meninggalkanku sekarang?

***

Suatu malam, aku terbaring di tempat tidurku, menatap langit-langit pucat kamar kontrakanku yang sempit. Dengan kondisi tubuh yang lelah, otak yang penat, aku menghabiskan sisa hari itu dengan memanggil Papaku di surga.

“Met malem Pa.Aku pengen curhat habis-habisan. Hidup ini melelahkan banget. Rasanya pengen Papa panggil aja pulang ke surga, biar tiap hari kita bisa bedua’an aja terus, and don’t have to worry about anything.

Tapi aku ngerti, klo itu ngga mungkin.

Just take a look at me now. Aku tahu, Papa masih punya banyak banget rencana indah yang Papa siapin untukku. Tapi mana? Nggak kelihatan tuh sampe sekarang.

Sampe-sampe aku sempet ngerasa, masuk IPA adalah kesalahan terbesar yang pernah kubuat. Aku merasa tidak maksimal di sana, Pa. Aku lelah banget dengan ulangan, pe-er, dan tugas-tugas yang bertubi-tubi!!!

Yah, mungkin orang ngeliat dari luar, aku ini cukup mapan. Tongkronganku ngga jelek-jelek amat, meskipun ngga bisa dibilang terlalu macho-macho banget sih, ataupun punya tampang secakep Won Bin. Tidak, aku tidak sehebat itu. Tapi.. Coba lihat lagi… Gaya bicaraku lumayan, berwibawa. Tapi mereka semua ngga tahu, dari dalem aku amat-sangat-sangat tidak puas dengan hidupku.

Nilai-nilaiku AMBURADUL. Gimana kalo aku ngga naek kelas nanti Dad? Memang beberapa teman-teman menasihati, jangan pikirin dulu ke situ, yang penting sekarang kamu usaha. Ya sih, emang gitu. But the fear stays in my head, Dad!

Kayaknya, setiap usaha yang aku bikin sia-sia aja. Aku udah belajar, udah merhatiin guru di kelas, tapi semua bullshit Dad. Tetep aja nilaiku amburadul, hancur lebur, doremifasol. Aku akui deh, memang aku belum sepenuhnya walk with Dad. Tapi Dad, take a look at this world! Temen-temenku yang hidupnya ngga bener, hura-hura, ngomong kotor dan ngga jaga hidup, Engkau hadiahi mereka otak yang PINTAR!! Life’s been so cruel to me!

Aduh, batinku. Sudah ngomong kotor dua kali pula. Lalu aku melanjutkan, dengan luka-luka lamaku yang kembali tersingkapkan.

“Baru-baru ini, gebetanku, yang kucecer habis selama satu tahun lebih, akhirnya mencampakkanku.

‘Kita jadi temen dulu aja ya?’, katanya dengan senyum yang dipaksakan. Haaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!

Yang bikin lebih pait lagi, belakangan baru ketahuan klo ternyata, setelah kukejar selama satu tahun lebih itu, dia sama sekali ngga naruh feeling apa-apa ma aku. Wah Dad, if only You were there! If only you were there that afternoon, sitting by me at that long wooden chair. If only You could see the bitterness and pain I felt, the sadness reflected through my eyes, my ears that trembles hoping the answer will be a “yes”, my hands that eager to hold her… My whole body reflects the sadness… YOU’VE BEEN SO UNFAIR TO ME!!

ME!

E!!

!!”

…hening. Suara jangkrik terdengar sayup-sayup di kejauhan…

…

Lalu, tiba-tiba, diiringi sebuah pelukan hangat, Papa menjawabku.

“My dearest son..

Is that all? Is that everything?

Papa tahu kamu sedih. Kamu kecewa sama Papa. Betul kan?”

“Ya! Aku kecewa totaaaaaall!!! Aku kan baru bertobat, lagi on fire sama Papa. Baru rajin-rajinnya ikut komsel, baru aktif pelayanan di gereja, tapi Papa taroh beban seabreg-abreg di pundakku, mana bisa sih aku nanggung semua itu sendiri? Papa udah gila?”

“Kalau memang Papa sudah bikin kamu kecewa nak, Papa minta maaf. Tapi kamu harus dengar apa yang ingin Papa sampaikan, ya?

Asal kamu tahu nak, Papa tidak mungkin dan tidak akan pernah meninggalkan kamu.

“BOHONG!” sambarku lantang.

Namun Papa tetap menjawabku dengan penuh kasih.

“Nak, dapatkah seorang perempuan melupakan bayinya, sehingga ia tidak menyayangi anak dari kandungannya? Sekalipun dia melupakannya, Aku tidak akan melupakan engkau. Lihat, Aku melukiskan engkau di telapak tangan-Ku.” (Yesaya 14 : 15-16a)

Akupun tergagap, “Te – telapak tangan Papa?”

“Ya, anakku. Setiap kali kamu meragukan kasih Papa, hati Papa terluka.”

Aku terdiam. Hendak kubalas apa? Seharusnya aku tetap menutup mulutku. Tapi diriku berontak. Aku menyentak lagi.

“Pa! kalau Papa mengasihi aku, kenapa aku yang anakMu ini, yang katanya ahli warismu, keturunan ilahi, tidak Papa berikan otak yang pandai? Papi lihat dong si Billy, bokepnya ga ketulungan, tapi buktinya dia pinter tuh! Kalau Papa memang adil, kenapa si Bill yang dibikin pinter? Kenapa bukan aku, yang jelas-jelas anak Papa?!”

“Nak, Billy pandai karena ia bekerja. Ia berusaha memaksimalkan dirinya. Akupun akan berbuat hal yang sama terhadapmu nak, bila kau belajar. Bila kau sungguh-sungguh dalam setiap tugasmu. Bahkan Papa bisa memberikanmu hikmat yang lebih daripada Billy, daripada teman-temanmu yang lain. Akui deh, sampai sekarang kamu belum berserah penuh pada Papa kan? Belum memaksimalkan potensi kamu kan? Ayo ngaku nak, kamu masih malas belajar kan?” tantang Papa dengan nada yang lembut dan jenaka.

Iya sih… Jawabku dalam hati.

Tapi lagi-lagi, aku memutuskan untuk berargumen.

“Tapi, kalau soal lawan jenis gimana? Papa pasti ngga ngerasa kan, gimana sakitnya ditolak cewek?”

“Nak, pikirkan. Untuk apa kamu mengejarnya? Apa yang akan kamu lakukan ketika kamu nanti, seandainya, berhasil mendapatkannya? Untuk apa hubungan seperti itu kamu miliki, dalam usia yang sedemikian muda ini?”

“Apa ya?” jawabku bingung. “Sekedar gengsi sematakah Pa?”

“Exactly, my son. Apakah kasih-Ku belum cukup bagimu? Alasan apa lagi yang menyebabkan kamu mencari cinta di luar yang kuberikan padamu? Kasih-Ku lebih daripada kasih apapun yang manusia manapun mampu berikan padamu. Bukankah itu cukup bagimu, anakKu?

Lagipula, di saat kau hendak mengambil keputusan untuk menyatakan cintamu padanya, bukankah Aku sudah memperingatkanmu, nak? Lewat orangtua, lewat teman-temanmu, Aku sudah mewanti-wanti, jangan kau ambil langkah ini. Semuanya sia-sia. Tapi waktu itu siapa nak, yang membandel, katanya karena terbakar emosi, ngotot ingin menyatakan cinta?” Lagi-lagi, nada Papa yang jenaka dan lembut, mampu menyurutkan emosiku.

“Aku, Pa.” Jawabku sambil tertunduk malu.

“Tapi Papa kan tetap tidak tahu perasaanku? DITOLAK ITU SAKIIT!!!”

“Aku tidak tahu perasaanmu? Anakku, bahkan sebelum dunia dijadikan, Papa sudah mengenal kamu. Sebelum kamu dibentuk dalam rahim ibumu, rencana-rencana Papa yang indah sudah Papa siapkan buat kamu. Dan sekarang kamu bilang Papa tidak mengerti perasaan kamu?

Nak, siapa lagi di dunia ini yang mengerti dirimu lebih daripada Papa?”

Aku tertunduk.

“Nak, ingatkah engkau akan janjiKu? Pencobaan-pencobaan yang kamu alami ialah pencobaan-pencobaan biasa, yang tidak melebihi kekuatan manusia. Sebab Aku (Allah) setia, dan karena itu aku tidak akan membiarkan kamu dicobai melampaui kekuatanmu. Pada saat kamu dicobai Aku akan memberikan kepadamu jalan keluar, sehingga kamu dapat menanggungya.” (1 Korintus 10:13)

Aku semakin membisu. Perlahan, tangan Papa yang lembut mendekat, Ia merangkul tubuhku. Sambil membelai kepalaku, Papa terus berbicara.

“Nak, mengertikah kamu bahwa Aku sedang membentuk karaktermu? Salah satu caraKu membentuk karakter anak-anakKu adalah dengan membiarkan mereka melalui penderitaan-penderitaan. Tapi kamu harus tahu nak, melalui penderitaan-penderitaan tersebut Papa sedang menempa kamu, menjadikan kamu sesuatu yang indah dan berkenan bagi Papa. Papa tidak pernah ninggalin kamu sendirian.”

“Pa,” akhirnya aku membuka suara. “Maaf ya. Aku benar-benar kacau hari ini. Tapi Pa, apa Papa tetap mengasihiku ketika tadi, aku ngomel-ngomel, udah ngomong yang aneh-aneh tentang Papa, udah bikin Papa sedih..

Pa, gimana perasaan Papa ketika aku bertindak bodoh, pikiranku kacau dan ngga terkendali lagi, dan nalarku cuma sedangkal parit?”

“Anakku terkasih,” jawab Papa. “Adakah sesuatu yang bisa memisahkan engkau dari kasih-Ku?” (Roma 8:38-39)

…

Air mataku mulai meleleh. Perlahan aku mengingat penyertaan Papa yang erat menyertai hidupku. Perlahan aku terkenang kembali kasih setia-Nya yang Ia tunjukkan, lewat sobat karibku, lewat guru-guruku, dan lewat kakak-kakak rohaniku.

Aku sadar, segala sesuatu butuh proses, tidak ada yang instan.

Aku sadar, hidup ini lebih dari sekedar berpacaran, senang-senang, dan membahagiakan teman.

Aku sadar, perjalananku masih panjang. Papa masih ingin membentukku, dan banyak rencana indah yang belum dapat ia realisasikan dalam hidupku, hanya karena aku terus menerus berontak.

Dan yang terpenting, akhirnya aku menyadari, Papa memang tidak pernah meninggalkan aku.

Dad, I love You. I love You so much.

***

Ya Tuhan, terima kasih. Sungguh aku tidak akan dan tidak boleh lupa akan pemeliharaan-Mu sepanjang hidupku ini. I'll live to glorify Your Name, Lord Jesus!

Nomaden

2009-03-10T02:10:00.005+09:00

Menarik lho jadi orang seperti saya!

Lihat, lihat! Bukan meninggikan diri, pertama-tama. Sejujurnya hanya melihat apa yang terjadi pada hidupku sampai hari ini, dan merasakannya unik.

Dimulai dari tidak menyelesaikan SMAku di BPK Penabur dulu. Melainkan melanjutkan tahun terakhirnya di Brazil, sebagai siswa pertukaran, seorang duta budaya dari Rotary Indonesia. Kemudian aku pulang, mengambil kursus intensif paket C selama tiga bulan, dan tes untuk mendapatkan ijazah SMAku. Lalu kulanjutkan kuliah di Jepang sampai saat ini.

Menarik, ya menarik dari banyak sisi. Senang melihat hidupku, kok, kenapa Tuhan, jalannya aneh begini? Kau mau bawa kemana aku??

Dari sisi yang lain, namun, kadang kurasakan sulit. Dengan hidup yang berpindah-pindah seperti itu, kau tidak pernah punya teman tetap. Meskipun ya, temanmu banyak, tapi dipisahkan lautan dan rentang waktu yang berbeda, menjaga persahabatan itu tetap menyala merupakan tantangan tersendiri, ya toh?

Misal cerita, ketika aku baru pergi ke Brazil, kurasakan perbedaan yang besar antar budaya negaraku dan budaya mereka. Lalu ketika aku pulang, eh, harus kusesuaikan lagi budaya yang sudah kuadaptasikan itu dengan budaya Indonesia, budaya Asia yang reservis dan tertutup. Kemudian aku ke Jepang. Kembali menyesuaikan diri lagi... Tapi ketika pulang kali ini yang berbeda terjadi: Aku 'kehilangan' banyak teman-teman yang dengan mereka dulu kurasa begitu dekat.

Dan hal ini yang paling sering menjadi dilema bagiku. Tidak pernah menetap, teman-teman yang datang dan pergi, membuatmu kapasitasmu harus lebih besar rasanya untuk menjaga setiap persahabatan yang terpencar belah di seluruh penjuru bumi. Sementara di sisi lain kau ingin, "ah, biarlah nyaman saja! mengapa harus repot-repot kusesuaikan budaya, siklus hidup, dan sebagainya setiap kali kupindah? kenapa aku tidak bisa menetap di satu tempat saja?"

Kekuatiran muncul, ya. Yang aneh-aneh pula. Paling aneh hari ini nih: "Gimana gw bisa dapetin pasangan hidup yang dari Tuhan kalo hidup gw pindah-pindah terus? Sementara jelas, 'stok' yang bener dan sehat ada di dalam komunitas gw di Indonesia.'

Nah tuh, itu baru satu!!

Tapi biarlah. Tuhan mengundangku untuk percaya pada-Nya. Percaya pada apa yang Dia mau kerjakan buat hidupku. Termasuk pasangan hidup itu. Duh Sam... Lagian baru umur berapa pula kau... Kae mau kawin besok aja.

Talents and Attitude

2009-03-10T01:38:00.003+09:00

I've been pondering upon what I should invest my life on these days.

Well for sure it would be for the glory of God and such, just, in what field it would be. Whether art, sports, business or such.

To be honest, it's not easy to draw the line. I'm passionate on many things. I love photography, art, design, cinematography, business, public speaking to mention the least. Some of these things I've been driven into for a long time, while some are newly found passion as I grow, from things I heard and see.

And today I talked with a friend about it. About living my purpose, investing my life on these specific gifts and talents God's been giving me. He told me to find the thin red line to join all these passions together.

To tell you the truth, it's hard. Just imagine that! To think that... probably... In the near future I'd be a businessman working in the art field, contributing my money to help solve human rights problem (that I also found interesting, forgot to mention it), in the same time speaking a lot in public, motivating people... I can't even draw a picture to see what kind of man I would be there.

But still, the point is then to be faithful and focused with what you have now. In the Bible it's said if you're faithful with what you have, then your Master would entrust to you more talents to develop.

And after today, I made up my mind and I want to re-develop one talent that I've been abandoning for a long time: to write. I love writing, blogging, making stories and conveying my message through written words. And not to exaggerate, I believe I'm good at it. Used to have a really well-known blog, used to have a really interesting writing style, but I've been abandoning it for almost a year now.

Yes, trying to get a new attitude today. A mind that's thankful and focused on what I have, faithful to develop it. Pray for me, friends... =)

for the sake of my portuguese...

2009-03-06T21:33:00.002+09:00

ola!

hoje foi um dia incrivel. minha igreja esta preparando um tipo de "crusade" (see, I forgot many words already!!), e tenho esse dramazinha e eu foi escolhido como um dos atores. entao... a gente estava praticando bastante hoje, preparando pra amanha!

vai ser um dia interessante, eu acho. dentro de drama vai ter dancar tambem. vai seria musical, queria colocar cancoes tambem, mas depois a gente acho melhor sera faz somente "lipsync".

hmmm que mais? eu conheci melhor a anita hoje. ee... ela sempre estar la, e eu sempre estar aqui, mas a gente nunca realmente conversava como hoje. estava interessante, uma gatinha legal e simpatica. realmente curtiu conversei com ela. ela me contei como que e estudos dela, que ela estar estudando na universidade (e sistemo informatica cara, voce nao vai acredita se voce ver a menina! a dancadora, e sempre de maquiagem com roupa de fashion... ainda estudando subjeto tao dificil!), sim, uma menina interssante.

a pratica foi simples, a gente dancou, tentava lembrou nossas linhas, e terminava logo mais ou menos. chegou na igreja 11 da manha, voltei 3 da tarde.

mas, chegou no terminal do busway, ali eu esperava quaze uma hora pra o onibus chegar! porque? porque?? hmm... a corredor era nova, e nao tinha ainda muitos onibus neste corridor. mais imagina, uma hora por um onibus? ainda quando o onibus chegou, tava cheio de pessoas, e eu ate ficava de pe a passada inteira... estou com dor de pe agora. =(

amanha depois daquele "crusade", vou ir pra carita, a praia perto da cidade pra passar o final do semana. e "long weekend" ate segunda-feira, vai ser um viagem legalzinha com meus amigos! finalmente, indo algum lugar pra realmente "passiar"! desde chegou na indonesia, to ficando na cidade... sim, eu foi pra os shoppings, comprei as coisas, mas ainda indo lugar nenhum fora da cidade! hehehe.. praia... vai nadar bastante!

...

canca minha cabeca... hahahaha. e um blogzinho tao facil mas eu tenho que pensar bastante pra terminar... e perigoso! hehehehe... tenho que relembrar meus vocabularios... realmente nao quero esquecer essa lingua maravilha... e o pais que me ensinou falar ele.

gw nih penulis macem apa sih?

2009-03-06T00:44:00.002+09:00

hmm... hmmm... hmm...

tiba-tiba merenung sendiri malam ini.

gw nih penulis macem apa sih?

gw bukan komedis (apa tuh? saudaranya komedo? bukan, maksud gw penulis yang suka bikin komedi. tapi itu kata buatan gw sendiri sih, ngga tau sebenernya ada apa ngga ya?), tapi kadang-kadang tulisan yang gw buat lucu juga klo gw baca ulang lagi. ih, narsis! eh ngga, beneran... eh, ngga tau deh... eh, eh...

gw juga kadang nulis pake mood, kadang nulis pake otak. yang terakhir emang klo nulis karya-karya ilmiah buat kampus doang... sempet seneeeng banget nulis yang berat-berat buat blog macem puisi, kata-kata mutiara, filosofi hidup... tapi blog gw jadi sepi pengunjung banget sejak itu.

tentang nulis novel, gw juga demen banget tuh nulis novel. tapi entah kenapa, gw cuma jago membuka konflik, memperkenalkan karakter. untuk membelit-belit cerita dan membuat konflik yang rumit, gw agak males untuk ngelanjutinnya. maybe I just hate drama, that's why. untuk main drama di pentas aja susah banget ngubah ekspresi muka gw.

yang lagi enjoyable banget akhir-akhir ini adalah nulis blog lagi. gw seneeeng banget nulis blog lagi hari-hari ini. and I mean I'm happy doing it. gw ngga pusing apakah orang mau baca atau ngga, apakah menarik untuk orang atau ngga, apakah gw udah nulis cukup banyak entry untuk bulan ini atau ngga... gw ngga pusingin semua itu. gw cuma seneng nulis, nulis, dan nulis...

pengen banget bisa komersilin apa yang gw tulis. hari-hari ini lagi tertarik mengamati (buset) Raditya Dika, blognya dan akhirnya filmnya (gw belom nonton sih) yang katanya cukup anticipated itu. bayangiin, dari proyek iseng-iseng, ngelawak-lawak di internet dan akhirnya jadi duit, asik tuh!

tapi gw ngga selucu Raditya Dika... dan ketika gw coba nulis lucu kae dia, yang ada gw stuck dan bingung, mau ngelucu apaan, gtu ya. dan gw harus akhirnya kembali sadar klo we're wired differently.

dan iyalah, klo semua orang lucu kae dia, siapa yang bakal dibikin ketawa?

I write what I think. Later I rethink on what I wrote. Terjemahan: Gw suka pake kaos pink. YA NGGALAH!

ya udahlah, ngga ada ujungnya.

eh, gw baru nyadar gini. sejak gw di indo, my number two is always liquid-ish, never solid. klo lu ngerti maksud gw. mendingan lu ngga ngerti deh. ya udah ya.

PERUT GWW!!

2009-03-03T12:08:00.004+09:00

gw tambah genduuutt...!!!

bukannya gw baru nyadar sekarang sih, emang dari dua minggu lalu juga gw langsung naik parah banget sejak di Indo. baru ada waktu nulisnya skarang.

masa ya, dua minggu lalu gw mission trip ke kalteng. tuh, judulnya M-I-S-S-I-O-N-T-R-I-P. kirain gw kita bakal masuk hutan, tidur di rumah penduduk, makan dari ubi yang dicabut sendiri di hutan... ngga taunya, mission trip sama FGBMFI itu lain saudara-saudara...

kita tinggal di hotel. jadi tamu DPRD. makan lima kali sehari (tiga meal dan dua snack). malem-malem abis sesi kadang diundang ke rumah orang pemda kepala kehutanan di situ, terus makan lagi. pokoknya makan mulu dah!

yah, acaranya tetep sukses sih, banyak yang ikut retreatnya dan banyak yang dijamah Tuhan, tapi gw lagi mau cerita tentang perut gw...

singkat cerita, pulang dari mission trip itu berat gw melesat 5 KG!! Padahal cuman seminggu di sana, ya ampuun... orang2 biasanya pulang mission trip kulitnya gosong, badannya jadi sehat, ini gw? oh kenapa??

nah, udah gitu di rumah lagi gw diikutsertakan dalam program 'perbaikan gizi' oleh nyokap gw. pagi minum jus, minum susu kacang kedele, makan telor stengah mateng, siang gw jalan sama bokap gw ngeliatin pabrik, nah itu udah pasti makan enak lagi, terus malemnya makan di rumah, wah, berlimpah ruah, sodara-sodara!!

kaga tau deh berat gw berapa kilo nanti pas balik ke jepang lagi...

gw mesti kontrol, mesti kontrol! yah, hari-hari ini lagi doa puasa juga. gereja lagi launching satu campaign buat semua jemaat dan kita puasa bareng-bareng selama 21 hari. sekalian weight managementlah buat gw.

masa perut rata gw yang gw bangga2in itu harus lenyap di Indo! agh, gak terima, gak terimaa!!

masa iya jepang ngga cukup bagus?

2009-03-02T17:53:00.002+09:00

halo!

kemaren sabtu gw ketemu sama seorang bapak. dikenalin sama bokap gw pas dia survey ke rumah klien dia. kenapa, apa yang istimewa dengan bapak ini sampe gw meluangkan waktu nulis tentang dia? ah ya, karena si bapak ini bukan bapak biasa... jeng jeng jeng jeeengg... *latar musik serem*

jadi si bapak adalah rektor di sebuah STT di bandung... cerita punya cerita ternyata sang bapak sudah tinggal di houston, texas selama dua puluh tahun di sana, sudah beranak cucu dan bertambah banyak, bahkan bermantukan bule.

si bapak cerita tentang gimana awal-awalnya dia berani berangkat ke sana, apa yang memotivasi dia, dan gimana hidup di sana menurut dia. yah, kita cerita-cerita dan bagi pengalaman masing-masinglah. si bapak terkesan sangat bangga dengan pengalaman dan hidupnya selama di amrik sana.

singkat cerita, si bapak memanas-manasi gw akhirnya untuk transfer kuliah ke Amrik. dia bilang akan lebih bagus buat gw, gw bisa belajar bahasa inggris lebih mantap, dan ada kesempatan untuk lebih mandiri. kenapa gtu? kurang mandiri apalagi gw di jepang? menurut si bapak, uang yang gw dapetin dari kerja part-time di amerika bisa dibayarin buat uang kuliah (bisa neken biaya lagi dengan masuk college yang murah), jadi gw bisa financially free dari orang tua gw.

tapi sebelum gw overheat, abis ngobrol itu gw cari-cari info dari sana sini tentang amrik... dan seorang temen malah ngasih info yang bertolak belakang dengan cerita si bapak. katanya amrik mahal, masuk kuliah bingung, uang kerja ngga bisa diandalkan untuk bayar uang kuliah (karena sebenarnya pekerjaan yang didapet itu kerja ilegal dan duitnya dikit), dan lain-lain...

and come to think of it, emang apa salahnya gw kuliah di jepang? memang sih, memang, seringkali gw merasa di ripped-off sama APU, dengan dosen2 asia yang bahasa inggrisnya masih belajar ngeja, dengan kampus yang ternyata kecil, cara kerja orang jepang yang senioritas dan struktural abis, meeting2 mereka yang lama... yah, orang-orang jepang dan segala kekurangannya...

tapi kan jepang ngga jelek-jelek amat, ya toh? leading country di asia tenggara, negara kaya yang hampir ngga tergoncang krisis, orangnya (klo tau cara 'nggaulinnya') ramah2, dan lingkungan kampus gw yang one-of-a-kind banget itu, 'little world', klo kita bilang.

hari-hari ini sempet kepikir juga tentang jurusan yang gw ambil... manajemen yang ngga ada hubungannya sama sekali sama sukaan" gw, kae writing, fotografi, filmmaking, dan travel...

tapi juga, belajar manajemen ngga jelek-jelek amat! paling gampang menurut gw melihatnya kae gini: Tuhan punya rencana buat segala sesuatu. biar kata gw sering bingung, sering ngadepin situasi-situasi gawat, ketemu dosen-dosen yang ajaib, yaaah... percaya deh itu bentukan dari yang di atas buat bikin gw makin mateng.

bersyukur, dan yah... agaknya teman-teman kuliah gw masih akan tetap bermata sipit dan berkulit kuning semester depan.

oia, dari kemaren mencret2. kaenya gara-gara kebanyakan makan indomie dah. aneh banget perut gw sejak pulang indo.

nomor dua

2009-03-02T11:11:00.005+09:00

Kemaren gw ke Citraland...

Ada apa di Citraland?

Abis dari gereja, tiba-tiba gw kebelet nomor 2. Ngga tau kenapa bisa gtu, yang jelas bukan karena dijamah Tuhan atau abis ditumpangin tangan sama pendeta.. Dan hari itu entah gimana semua toilet yang gw temui di sekitar gereja, yang tadinya sah-sah aja gw pake, baik untuk nomor 1 maupun nomor 2, tiba-tiba tidak lagi memenuhi standar persyaratan toilet bersih. Dasar orang Jepang, gtu kali ya lu bakal bilang.

Dan kemudian... masih juga gw harus dibuat menunggu oleh kedua orang tua tercinta, entah mereka ngobrol lah, doa SPK lah, meeting lah... Sampai akhirnya dengan manisnya gw menunggu dalam 'ketegangan' sekitar dua jam.

Entah gimana gw masih kuat untuk menawarkan diri nyetirin mobil bokap. Yang lalu masih pergi lagi ke rumah om gw untuk beli air minum dua dus buat kantor.

Ya, masih tegang.

Dan tiba-tiba nyokap mencetuskan ide untuk pergi ke CL.

"YUUK!!", sambut gw sukacita. Gw pikir WC CL pasti bersihlah, secara mall gtu. Jadi mungkin di sana bisa pelepasan dengan sakral.

Dengan gembira gw nyetir masuk CL. Puter-puter... Sepuluh menit... Belum juga dapet parkiran. Hari itu hari Minggu jugalah ya, secara. Akhirnya bokap gw yang baik menawarkan diri untuk menggantikan gw nyari parkiran... Supaya gw yang sudah tegang itu bisa mendapatkan kelepasan...

Dan wow, begitu gw keluar dari mobil dan berdiri... Hasrat untuk nomor dua semakin luar biasa. Gw berlari, berlari dan mencari meja informasi. Dengan senyum yang agak dipaksakan, gw bertanya, "Mbak, toiletnya ada di sebelah mana ya?", dan mbak-mbak itupun menjawab, "Oh, di lorong sebelah kiri situ jalan teruuus aja mas,"

"Ok, makasih mbak!!"

Dan dengan semangat 45, waw, gw melangkah pasti... mencari toilet itu.

"YES, YES, TOILET PRIA!!"

Gw masuk dan... agh, ternyata toiletnya sama aja kotornyaa!!

Tapi sudahlah ya... udah sampe masuk CL segala, dibela-belain parkir segala sama bokap... akhirnya gw melepas nomor dua dengan suksess... kaenya gara-gara makan nasi warteg samping gereja lagi nih...

Abis itu kita jalan-jalan sebentar, gw ngeliat-liat baju-baju 61 yang tadinya-bagus-tapi-kok-makin-lama-makin-ngga-jelas-modelnya, nyobain makan fondue (mereka jualan fondue sekarang di mall... goceng satu tusuk... dapet strawberry tiga, mahal juga...), puter-puter masuk toko temen gw, ngobrol-ngobrol sama bokapnya... (lho lho)

Dan akhirnya kita keluarr... gw nyetir lagi. kali ini dengan pantat yang udah adem.
Pas bayar parkir 6000 rupiah... yah, itung2 ini boker termahal gw sejauh ini. =)

hmmm...

2009-02-06T02:29:00.003+09:00

hmmm...

udah ah, mundur aja. it's not worth fighting for. rather focus on something else, something that matters more.

"told ya."

yeah right. should've listen earlier. thanks, buddies.

selesai!!

2009-02-04T23:18:00.002+09:00

semester duaku di APU selesai.

selesai dalam diam, selesai dalam tenang. tidak banyak pesta, tidak banyak perayaan aneh-aneh dan part-time job di mana-mana.

aku mempersiapkan diri untuk pulang, sabtu ini. lucu jika dipikir, aku sudah akan menghirup udara tanah air lagi, kembali nongkrong sama teman-teman minggu siang selepas gereja di warteg murah langganan kami.

selesai, ya, selesai. bah, ngapain aku berbicara seolah aku tidak akan kembali lagi ke sini? masih ada 6 semester, 3 tahun lagi untuk dijalani. yang kuselesaikan baru seperempatnya.

Itu Cukup, Tuhan.

2009-01-26T21:06:00.004+09:00

Hari-hari yang telah ku lalui
Ku saksikan betapa karyaMu
Selalu nyata indah dalam hidupku
Tuhan Kau sungguh baik

Malam ini tiba-tiba lagu lama ini terngiang kembali di kepalaku. Namun bila ingin jujur, hari-hari terakhir sebelum liburan musim dingin di APU ini bukanlah hari-hari terbaikku.

Keuanganku sulit, cuaca tidak mendukung, harga bensin yang tadinya super murah kini menanjak perlahan lagi, memahal. Dan itu tiga dari berbagai alasan yang seolah menuding, menghakimi dan melabeli hari-hariku.

Dan lagu ini adalah lagu terakhir yang akan terpikir ketika harus kugambarkan kondisi hati dan hidupku. Tangan Tuhan yang mendatangkan kebaikan adalah hal terakhir yang terlihat mataku ketika kutelaah kembali dua minggu belakang ini.

Banyak p'ristiwa dan kejadian
Membuat diri s'makin menyadari
Bahwa rancanganMu indah dalam hidupku
Tuhan Kau sungguh baik

Ya, peristiwa-peristiwa terjadi. Motorku harus diganti olinya (lagi), angin semakin kencang, salju turun dan pergi, tanggung jawab yang harus diselesaikan... Seakan tugas dan tekanan turun silih berganti.

Tapi, aku mau mengingat bahwa hari ini, aku belajar memilih untuk bersuka cita. Ketika Tuhan mengajakku melangkah keluar dari zona kenyamananku, mempercayai genggaman tangan-Nya di tengah pergoncangan di hidup perantauanku, bahwa Ia menyediakan yang terbaik buatku.

Ku kagum akan Kau Tuhanku
Engkau melebihi apapun di dunia ini
Takkan ku berhenti 'tuk s'lalu memujiMu
Tuhan Kau sungguh baik

Ya Tuhan, Kau sungguh baik.
Malam ini, sekali lagi entah bagaimana, Kau membuatku jatuh cinta lagi.
Ketika kurenungkan kejadianku, ketika kubayangkan bagaimana Kau telah membentukku, merencanakan keindahan demi keindahan bahkan sebelum aku dilahirkan; ketika aku ingat siapa dulu aku ini... Aku hanya bisa bersimpuh dan bersyukur.

Engkau telah memimpinku begitu jauh.

Dan meskipun masih ada jutaan mil lagi yang harus ditempuh
Meskipun masih ada ribuan halangan lagi yang harus dihadapi

Aku percaya tangan-Mu tetap menggenggamku
Dan itu cukup, cukup bagiku.

a night sonata

2009-01-25T00:48:00.002+09:00

In the quiet of the night I swiftly stream, I see You
I find rest, I find peace, I find hope

It is into my solitude that I will take rest
In the God of my heart, the ruler of my soul
is where I find refuge

The world may burn, tear, flame down and broke apart
But it is Your love that restores all things.

At times where the wounds comes one after too soon
At times when all surrounding comes on pounding
It is into my solitude that I will take rest
In the God of my heart, the ruler of my soul
is where I find refuge

***

...Where You are, it's where I want to be
In Your arms, You have comfort me
Far away from everything I'm used to be

You know I have come, so far
Just to be where You are...

Cerita-Ceritaku, Iluminasi Januari

2009-01-19T19:13:00.004+09:00

Kenapa sih, kenapa sih posting cerita-cerita random terus?

Begini, begini. Entah kapan, mungkin dua minggu lalu gw ngobrol sama temen gw, cerita punya cerita tertuturlah kisah-kisah romantis antara bokap dan nyokap gw (lho?), yang ternyata dibilang menarik sama temen gw itu. Dan dia suruh gw tulis buku.

Jadi semangat menulis bangkit lagi, entah kenapa. Nah, begitu. Sejujurnya belum ada sih kemajuan apa-apa dari 'buku' yang dimintanya itu, cuma sekarang ini sekedar tulisan-tulisan random di internet. Yah... Apa daya waktu tak ada.

Sekarang sedikit follow up dari hari-hari terakhir di Januari dingin ini kali ya. Sudah lihat salju. Tidak spesial, tidak foto juga. Terlalu sibuk merasakan dinginnya cuaca di badanku. Yah, mungkin nanti kalau turun lagi sebelum gw pulang, foto kali ya. Klo ngga, ya tahun depan lagi deh.

Lalu banyak yang harus dihadapi di hari-hari terakhir menjelang libur panjang Februari-Maret. Report dan ujian-ujian. Jujur saja, sekarang ini hatiku udah ngga di sini lagi. Jiwaku sudah melayang jauh dan sekarang sedang duduk manis di dalam Restoran Padang Sederhana Bintaro, menanti tubuhnya terbang pulang. Lalu... Otak sapi, rendang, ayam pop dan perkedel. Uaahh... Sampai temanku yang Padang bilang, "yang Padang siapa... yang kangen makanan Padang siapa."

Januari ini juga, belajar jaga hati. Belajar jadi pria, mengerti isi hati sendiri, mendengar maunya Tuhan apa. Belajar mengenal kekuatan karakter, yah cukup terasa pelajaran yang rasanya sudah waktunya dipraktekkan, tidak melulu diperkatakan.

Sedang menyelesaikan membaca satu buku yang luar biasa. Di dalam Wild at Heart, John Eldredge bilang, "A man comes to a woman to offer his strength, not to get it from her." Atau dalam bahasa lain, temanku Yaye bilang, "dua gelas yang setengah penuh tidak bisa saling memenuhi."
Ya, pernyataan ini agak random sih, tapi bagus aja, ingin berbagi sama temen-temen. In a way, it spoke to me too. Jangan datangi perempuan untuk bersembunyi, tunjukkan justru kekuatan dan kepahlawananmu sebagai pria untuk memenangkan hatinya, melindunginya.

Hmm... Not that I'm battling for someone's heart, no. Belum waktunya. Salomo bilang, "Do not awaken love before [God] desires." (emphasize added)

Yet when it strikes you, you wouldn't know what to do, would you? You would be anchored to her like a motionless ship, and... Yeah we all know the feeling of being 'in love'.

Give in you must, they say. There's no escaping it. Go with the flow, follow your heart because it knows what's best. But then again, does it really know what's best?

Ketika hati kita tidak selalu tahu apa yang terbaik, aku hari-hari ini mau belajar percaya bahwa Tuhan Yesus yang baik selalu tahu yang terbaik. Tuhan berjanji padaku minggu ini, dalam tinggal tenang dan percaya, di situlah kekuatan-Nya akan dinyatakan (Yes 30:15). Dan yah, tinggal tenang tidak hanya ketika kita lelah atau berbeban... Tapi Tuhan ingin kita terus tinggal tenang. Terus berlindung di dalam-Nya dan dari situlah akan muncul kekuatan untuk mengambil keputusan-keputusan yang benar, dalam hal ini untuk menghargai persahabatan dan indahnya kemurnian.

Dan, as hard as it may seem, aku mau coba melangkahkan kaki di jalan yang benar. Not to play boy and win her heart merely as a trophy, but to play man and wait, appreciate my singleness and trust God for the best. There, I said it.

Pray for me, friends! It's not a decision that takes overnight to fulfill. Tidak semata karena sudah kukatakan lalu akan dapat dengan mudah kulakukan. Aku akan memasuki proses Tuhan! Ya, Bapa, murnikan hatiku untuk-Mu!

Hmm... Itulah sudah, iluminasi Januariku. Dalam beberapa minggu, pulanglah aku akan, ke bumi Indonesia! Ya, sahabat-sahabat lama! Nantikan kepulanganku! Terima kasih!

Ray & Ratna

2009-01-18T22:10:00.002+09:00

Ray masygul.

Benarkah gadis ini yang akan dipilihnya? Setelah sedemikian banyak wanita datang berganti, setelah sedemikian banyak situasi berputar di hidupnya.

Tapi keputusannya sudah bulat.

Dengan kepastian, ia melangkah gagah ke rumah Ratna. Siang ini ia hendak bertamu, demikian ijinnya.

Ratna menyambut sahabatnya dengan tersenyum. "Silahkan duduk," sapanya manis. Dan mereka berdua duduk bertatapan di ruang tamu.

"Ada maksud apa, tiba-tiba kamu ingin bertamu?"

Ray tersenyum kecut. Tatapan matanya pasti namun gelisah. Tapi ia sudah di sini. Point of no return. Katakan sekarang, atau tidak sama sekali. Senyuman Ratna tidak membantu, malah membuatnya tambah gelisah saja. Manis sekali wajahnya, lamun Ray.

Akhirnya dikatakannya.

"Hmm... Ratna, mau tidak, kamu jadi teman istimewa saya?"

Raut muka Ratna berubah. Kegelisahan berpindah tempat. Kini iapun menaungi Ratna.

Astaga, ia menyatakan cinta! Harus bagaimana? Setelah persahabatan sekian lama ini...

"Ray, boleh tidak, kamu makan dulu buah sawo ini," ujar Ratna sambil menunjuk sepiring buah sawo yang memang sudah dipotongkannya untuk Ray. "Kalau sudah habis, baru aku akan memberi jawaban." Ratna tersenyum, lalu terdiam kembali.

Raymond terdiam, namun tetap tenang. Dilahapnya satu demi satu potongan buah sawo di dalam piring itu. Perlahan, seolah-olah memberi waktu untuk Ratna benar-benar memikirkan jawaban dari pertanyaannya.

Dan ketika potongan yang terakhir habis ditelannya, Ray tersenyum menatap Ratna. Astaga, pucat bingung wajahnya!

Ray tersenyum, mengerti. Namun ia takkan pulang tanpa jawaban. Kemudian ia membuka suara.

"Ratna, kamu tidak perlu bicara. Sekarang aku ulurkan tanganku, kalau kamu bersedia, menjawab 'ya' untuk pertanyaanku, terima tangan ini. Bila tidak, diam saja. Aku akan pulang dan mengerti."

Ray mengulurkan tangannya. Ratna terdiam, senyuman mulai merekah perlahan tapi pasti di wajahnya. Gemetar namun pasti, diulurkan tangannya, disambut dan digenggamnya tangan Ray yang terulur.

Mereka bertatap dalam diam, senyum merekah namun hanya kegugupan dan kecanggungan menutupi udara siang itu.

Ini akan jadi babak awal dari sesuatu yang besar, batin Ray lega.

Rest.

2009-01-12T08:15:00.002+09:00

Last night as I finished my part-time job, walked out from the hotel kitchen to the parking lot to get my bike, a thought pass through my mind,

Sam, how tiresome your life is now, huh?

Yeah, I pondered. Reluctantly I agreed. If I were to study in Indonesia, none of this would have to happen. Working for my monthly spending, taking motorbike everywhere, worries about this and that... Not to mention the classes and the assignments.

Face it Sam, it is to make you grow, I tried unsuccessfully to convince myself.

Then again, God intervened. As my soaked, dry hands reached my pocket for my bike key, a soft voice came to me.

Rest in Me. Rest in Me, son.

I came still.

Then He whispered again through the wind.

Rest in Me. It is in Me that you will find true peace, true solitude. The world may offer its' best, the world may offer entertainments, parties, so-called friends, and many. But it is in Me that you can truly rest.

***

Friends, some of us see God as a big old condemning, merciless man. Some of us see God as someone we should always obey, someone we fear.

But that night He came to me as a Father. Came to me and offered me a resting place. As I rode back home that night, a gentle warm filled my heart.

Oh Lord, how I am thankful for You!
In the midst of all these chaos, these uncertainties and problems around me, You offered me shelter! You took me in, let me suckle and abide in Your love and presence!
How awesome is this feeling, this feeling of being loved, this feeling of being protected, the security no human can give!

Friends, He's not a demanding God. He's not a condemning, a merciless God. Sometimes, somehow, as a Father, He just wants us to trust Him and rest.

***

Your faithfulness endures always
Where mountains fall and reason fails
And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again

All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You

My heart will praise throughout the night
Where singing seems a sacrifice
Your grace is all I need
Your grace is all I need

Rest in You - Hillsong United

Mimpi.

2009-01-06T01:48:00.001+09:00

Naga itu kembali lagi.

Semburan api panasnya membakar istana. Para ksatria telah maju. “Demi Sang Raja!!”, pekik mereka sok berani.

Tanpa perlawanan yang berarti, sang naga melumatkan mereka dalam dengusan nafas panasnya.

Sang putri tercekam ketakutan. Di dalam kamarnya, ia hanya bisa meringkuk terdiam di atas tempat tidurnya, sambil memeluk selimut tebalnya erat-erat. Dari jendela, ia menyaksikan dengan kekaguman dan rasa hormat, ksatria-ksatria malang itu, bertarung mati-matian demi ayahnya, Sang Raja.

Tiba-tiba, sang naga menatapnya.

Entah apa yang merasukinya, sang naga menjadi sangat agresif. Disemburkannya api panas ke arah ksatria-ksatria yang menghalangi jalannya.

Dalam sekejap, mereka tinggal seonggok debu.

Dengan dentuman berat, naga hitam itu berderap ke arah menara sang putri.

Putri cantik tahu, sudah saatnya untuk lari. Serta merta ia melompat dari tempat tidurnya, mengenakan selopnya, dan berlari menuju pintu.

Pintu itu terkunci.

“Bukakan pintunya, aku ingin keluar!!”

“Tidak bisa Tuan Putri, kami diperintahkan menjaga Anda tetap di dalam!”, terdengar jawaban dari luar.

“Tapi naga itu sedang menuju ke arahku!!!”, pekik sang putri, ketakutan. Dengan sekuat tenaganya ia menggedor-gedor pintu.

Pintu besi besar itu tetap diam, bergeming.

Naga itu semakin dekat, sang putri merasakannya. Deru napasnya, hawa panas yang dibawanya, bau daging busuk manusia yang melekat di giginya, oh Tuhan, tolong aku!! Jangan biarkan aku berakhir seperti ini!!

“Tolonglah pengawal, bukakan aku pintu!!”, pekik cemas sang putri kembali terdengar.

“Tidak bisa, Tuan Putri! Ini titah Raja! Percayalah, kau akan lebih aman di dalam!”

“Tidak, oh tidak! Tolong, dengarkan aku!!!”

Sang putri menatap ke jendela. Mata besar sang naga menatap marah ke arahnya. Bau neraka tercium dari sungutnya. Ia melenguh marah.

Oh Tuhan, di mana pangeranku??

Tanpa peringatan apapun, naga hitam itu menyemburkan apinya.

Harapan sang putri sirna seketika, terbakar nyala api. Saat api sang naga membakar habis tubuhnya, ia pun menyadari bahwa pangeran berkuda putihnya tak akan pernah datang.

Chinitra.

2009-01-05T15:08:00.003+09:00

Chinitra terbangun dari tidurnya yang tidak seberapa lelap. Kakinya kedinginan.

Selimutnya bergeser lagi, selalu saja begini setiap malam. Sudah hampir satu semester kuliahku di sini tapi belum juga aku bisa nyaman dengan tempat tidurku.

Ia melihat jam di atas meja. Pukul empat pagi. Rasanya ingin kembali ia berbaring di atas futon tipisnya, tapi mata sudah terlanjur terbuka lebar.

Tak bisa tidur, tak bisa tidur, batinnya. Ia terduduk diam di depan meja belajarnya. Sesaat ia berharap ketika matanya terbuka ia berada lagi di kamar lamanya di Jogjakarta.

Ah, Cit, saatnya kamu bertumbuh. Selalu ingin dianggap 'wanita', bukan lagi gadis kecil, bukan?

Tapi rasa rindu yang menjadi-jadi pagi itu tak bisa dihindarkannya. Kedinginan, jari-jari mungilnya membuka album foto kecil yang dibawanya dari Indonesia. Wajah-wajah kecil nan segar tersenyum diam memandangnya.

Sudah tiga bulan sekarang ia jauh dari rumah, jauh dari keluarga yang begitu menyayanginya, dari kedua kakak laki-lakinya yang menurutnya overprotektif. Tapi ah, sekarang betapa ia merindukan mereka! Ia yang selalu dianggap paling kecil di dalam keluarga, ia yang selalu dilindungi dan dijaga mereka bagai kristal rapuh... Kini harus merasakan hidup sendiri di tengah orang-orang yang tidak mengenalnya.

Chinitra tersenyum mengingat betapa sulitnya ia mendapatkan izin kedua orang tuanya untuk melanjutkan studi di kampusnya sekarang.

Semua berawal dari sebuah janji.

Putra.

2009-01-03T23:58:00.003+09:00

Baki demi baki berdatangan.

Piring putih, piring biru, mangkuk coklat, piring persegi, piring bulat, berbentuk bunga, mangkuk kecil, mangkuk besar, dan berbagai ukuran lain. Dengan tergopoh Putra memisahkan isi baki-baki tersebut.

Gelas ini, masuk ke tempat ini. Piring itu, di sana. Di dalam mangkuk ini masih ada sup, dibuang dulu ke tempat sampah. Eits, bukan tempat sampah yang ini... Ke tempat satunya lagi. Piring persegi yang aneh. Uh, kenapa sih orang Jepang beribet dengan berbagai porselen hanya untuk makan sepotong ikan?

Sudah tiga hari dijalaninya kerja paruh waktu di Hotel Suginoe. Dari jam 6 sore hingga 11 malam... Bila sedang tidak beruntung dan piring banyak yang kotor, Putra akan selesai paling terlambat tengah malam. Bukan pekerjaan yang nikmat, berapa kali ia sakit punggung, kelelahan dan hendak muntah mencium aroma menakutkan campuran sup ikan, kecap, es krim, spaghetti dll dari tempat sampah yang diletakkan terlalu dekat dengannya.

Sebenarnya, kerjanya sendiri tidak terlalu rumit. Baki datang, pisahkan isinya, bawa porselen yang sudah terpisahkan itu ke tukang cuci. Setelah tukang cuci mengusap-usap seadanya dengan busa dan air hangat, porselen akan dimasukkan ke mesin untuk dicuci dengan sabun. Setelah keluar dari ujung mesin yang satunya lagi, akan ada tukang lap, yang mengambil porselen itu, melapnya kering, dan meletakkannya kembali ke lemari. Yang membuatnya rumit adalah jumlah porselen yang harus dicuci Putra setiap malamnya.

Mencuci piring pekerjaan wanita? Hmph. Tidak di Suginoe Hotel. Dari sekitar 15 orang lebih pekerja di "seksi" cuci piring tersebut, hampir 70%nya adalah pria.

Siapa Putra? Putra adalah satu dari ratusan mahasiswa Universitas Asia Pasifik (UAP) di Jepang, Beppu. Satu yang bisa dengan enaknya kamu labeli berbagai macam julukan, tapi Putra sendiri merasa dirinya seorang mahasiswa biasa. Seorang biasa dari keluarga biasa dengan kekuatan ekonomi yang biasa-biasa... Dengan mimpi yang luar biasa untuk kuliah ke luar negeri.

Dan di sinilah Putra malam tahun baru ini, mendekati menit-menit terakhir tahun 2008, menggosok dan menggosok porselen-porselen Suginoe Hotel yang tak hentinya berdatangan. Tangannya keriput, punggungnya menangis minta duduk. Tapi Putra hanya bisa meringis sesekali.

Demi mimpi, demi bertahan hidup, batin Putra.

new year.

2009-01-01T22:34:00.002+09:00

it is a new year.

my first new year away from old friends, families, and the comforts of home.

my first new year's eve spent doing part time job, washing unending piles of crab-smelling metal bowls, soring my hands out.

my first new year when... don't really know somehow... I feel lonely and uneasy.

oh it wasn't all boring and bad. my part time job finished at 12, where then I rushed straight ahead to some shopping mall where friends gathered. watched a performance of Japanese traditional arts... then went back earlier, slept and woke up for church. spent then the whole day with some friends singing and talking in their dorm house.

no, it wasn't all that bad.

but I dunno... why... I feel tired and sick. sick of many things. I shouldn't be. I shouldn't.

shouldn't start a new year this way.

On These Cold Days of Christmas

2008-12-18T08:15:00.002+09:00

Hey!

Haven't blog for a while about my days. Sorry for the rant and poetry, haha, it was, you can say... Products of a lonely heart. I get annoyingly melancholy sometimes.

So... Christmas is coming. I've been doing many things this December. There was a Christmas party for the fellowship last Friday, where I worked with the other guys preparing it; there was my group's presentation for the Indonesian Society last Saturday; then still come preparation and practices for the upcoming Christmas service and celebration at church. I'm singing choir! Hahaha...

And alongside these activities, there are classes that gets more "awesome" each day, and the weather that's getting really cold. I'm still with my summer helmet, but kinda doing okay. Oh, perhaps I haven't told here what happened to my full-face helmet... The screws got off and the front glass is not attached properly. Merely dangling.

This is getting really random. Ah I'll just stop and carry on next time. Gotta study my Japanese anyway. Sorry guys! =)

Elegi Gerbang Mahogani

2008-12-16T23:03:00.004+09:00

Ada sebuah pintu ke dalam hatinya. Gerbang, tepatnya.
Kukagumi gerbang kayu berukir itu.
Kuraba dan kurasakan sentuhan Sang Pencipta pada tiap serat mahoganinya nan kokoh.

Tanaman liar merambati pinggir gerbang megah.
Kubersihkan, kucabuti.
Keindahannya semakin nampak.
Kukagumi, kutersenyum.

Hendak kumasuk

Tiba-tiba aku sadari

Aku tak punya kuncinya.

open rant on a future uncertain.

2008-12-08T21:30:00.004+09:00

it always makes me wonder, what would I do after APU?

will I graduate, get a job, or else go to another school, get a higher degree?

if then I will work, will I be content with a company job, being a "sa-ra-rii-man" (not that working in Japan interest me), sitting behind a desk facing a computer from 9 to 5, 5 days a week? or will I be someone somewhere else, pursuing other dreams?

will I get a lot of money, or will I be content with "just enough", and still enjoy life and pursue my dream to travel the world?

yet somehow... I feel stuck here sometimes. if I could just jump, leap to that uncertainty and see how it will all end, I would be more content. I would know where will I work, what are my dreams that will come true, what would not. I would know whom I will marry, I would know what will happen to my parents on their golden ages, I would know BUNCH!!

yet what I'm doing now is memorizing accounting formulas and making up stories for my Japanese writing assignment.

some might call this anxiety of youth.

while some part of me wanna stay here, in my youth; being vigorous, full of dreams and living life to the fullest, there's a part of me that just wanna leap up there, to my distant future. where (I suppose) everything will be clearer, there will be no more pressure and sense of being the backbone of the family, as the eldest son. always having to be "the most responsible", always setting the example for the family, for the little brothers and sisters.

I'd love to take care of stuff, mom and dad. I'd love to take care of my future family, my job, my wife, my kids... and I know these are inevitable, I'm gonna have them coming ready or not.

and it's not that I'm not preparing. I wish you could see me here, now. I'm not one of those rich kids on the block, spending their parents' money doing no good, filling their closet with louis-vuitton and anna sui when uniqlo and levi's are enough. and not that I have anything against those rich kids.

I study, I get myself an expensive electronic dictionary instead of a new iPhone 3G. I go to second hand shop, I get a 50cc single-seater moped and ride it on and off campus even today, on this freezing winter weather, for the sake of cheaper transportation.

I love you, mom and dad. just, just, don't worry, will you? stop feeding me these "hopes and dreams" of yours that you thought I haven't grasp.

I know where I am. I know what's going on. This anxiety and curiosity, this inclarity of all... Please just pray me a safe passage through it all.

God, how I need You now and always.

uma coisa diferente - edited.

2008-11-30T17:40:00.002+09:00

a lovely brazilian friend helped me out with my grammar on my entry "Uma Coisa Diferente" couple days ago. in respect of her and her efforts, I am uploading the old version with the parts that she edited. the italics were my original. made so many mistakes on grammar, even on the TITLE!

***

Algo Diferente

nao sei por que, so quero escrever em portugues esta vez.
nao, meu escrito portugues nao e tao bem como eu fala, mas sei lah, vamos ver.
hmmm.... esses dias nao tenho nada especial que acontece, minhas aulas acabou de comecar, tenho novas aulas como accounting e business management.
Não sei por quê, mas só quero escrever em português desta vez.

Não, meu português gramatical não é tão bom quanto minha fala... mas sei lá... vamos tentar....
Humm... Nada especial tem acontecido comigo nestes últimos dias, minhas aulas acabaram de começar.. tenho aulas novas como Accounting e business management.

ontem tinha um conversacao com uma amiga na indonesia. na verdade nao queria muito falava sobre minha vida com ela, sobre que esta acontecendo, mas nao sei por que acontava tudo ontem. tudo que eu to sentindo, tudo que ta passando comigo aqui.

Ontem conversei com uma amiga da Indonésia. Na verdade eu não queria muito falar sobre mim com ela, mas não sei o porquê contei tudo a ela.. tudo o que eu sinto e estou passando aqui.

como tambem eu estou cansado, vivendo "esse jeito" em Japao... nao e mal, minha vida e legal. mas as vezes tem esses reponsabilidades eu tenho que completar sozinho, sabe? como pagando meu apartamento, ir pra banco pra pegar dinheiro, pagar minhas contas... sei que isso e ser adulto, sei que daqui a pouco eu tenho que fazer tudo isso sozinho, mas... sei lah. as vezes queria muito voltar pra casa dos meus pais, pra o comfortabilidade que ele tem.

E também como estou cansado, vivendo assim no Japão.. não é muito ruim, minha vida é legal... Mas tenho várias responsamilidades e compromissos para realizar sozinho, entende? Como pagar o apartamento, movimentar conta no banco ou pagar minhas contas... Eu entendo que é isso que é ser um adulto.... mas, sei lá, as vezes eu gostaria muito de voltar para a casa de meus pais... para o conforto que tinha...

tambem contei que estou cansado aprendendo japones. e verdade, japones e dificil pra aprender. alem de eu ta falando tres linguas totalmente diferente agora, mas com japones eu nao estava interessada nenhum pouco... no comeco era interessante, era divertido, mas agora que eu tenho que lembrar mais "kanji"... essa lingua ta sendo chato.

Também contei que estou cansado de aprender japonês, e é verdade, japonês é difícil para aprender.. mesmo eu sabendo usar três línguas diferentes agora, com o Japonês eu não estava nenhum pouco interessado, no começo era interessante, divertido, mas agora que tenho que lembrar mais "kanji"... esta sendo chato.

falava mais sobre minha vida, minha saude, saudade com a familia, dificuldade com o dinheiro que agora ta acontecendo crise economico global e tal. mas no final, que me fazia feliz e que ela nao me dava clasico solucoes... ela me fazia lembrar que Deus ja e bom comigo. como Ele ja me mandava aqui, alem de ter coisas que eu nao entendi, Ele vai sempre estar la, olhando pra mim e guardando cada etapa que eu tomar. minha parte e so andar com Ele.

Falei mais sobre minha vida, minha saúde, a saudade que tenho de minha família e também a dificuldade financeira, pois agora estamos vivendo a Crise Econômica Global e tal...
Mas no final da conversa, o quê me fez feliz... é que ela não deu as clássicas soluções.. ela me fez lembrar que Deus já é o bom suficiente comigo.
Que, se Ele me enviou aqui, mesmo com tantas coisas que eu não entendo, Ele estará sempre lá, olhando para mim e me protejendo em todas as etapas de minha vida.. minha parte é apenas Confiar e andar com Ele.

***

and then she encouraged me on my studies and life. reminded me that God is always in control of situations.

it's been a while since Brazil and I really miss her. thanks Maressa, for keeping in touch... A friend like you is a blessing from heaven! Saudade de voce tambem!

not that I hope anyone would understand this entry, once again... I don't really have many Portuguese-speaking friends outside Brazil... Maybe this entry was just for my Portuguese ability's sake. To stay refreshed on this language in this -desu-masu country I'm living now.

"in an open relationship" defined. a look at indonesian's indifference.

2008-11-30T17:17:00.006+09:00

today I found a friend in facebook that just changed his status from "it's complicated" to "in an open relationship".

I never really think of the meaning of this term. I thought it's just dating in a certain level... but today I got curious and looked up for the definition. found it on Wikipedia! here goes...

An open relationship denotes a relationship (often between two people) in which the participants are free to have sexual intercourse with other partners. If the couple making this agreement are married, it is an open marriage.

I was startled! my friend was an Indonesian... and I don't think that he really meant that he's sexually active... I know him. probably he's just ignorant with the english he's using.

please guys, please. don't use english words just because you think it's cool, it's different, or it sounds right. look up the meaning... what would it take you to type into a search engine and then correct your english?

we Indonesian have this 'disease' to think that we know it all. one thing, say, the writing of the word "photo copy". lousy Indonesians have been tearing this phrase apart into "foto copy", "fhoto copie", "poto copy"... come on people, get smart! either use "foto kopi" (Bahasa Indonesia) or "photo copy" (English). be consistent!

somehow relating to what's written on Rara's post on "Japanese' EngRish", her post made me think. Japanese are shy and modest, make them slow in some extent, but on the other hand, interestingly, Indonesian are loud and proud. these national characteristic is something interesting to observe, but also a homework to fix on. hope you get my point.

any indonesian offended? haha. I'm not starting a stereotype. I'm just saying that it's a reality, and I can give you many examples of our nation's arrogancy. well, it takes lots of guts to bad mouth one's own country. please, just take no offense and be changed. you're the one that decided to read anyway.

uma coisa diferente

2008-11-27T21:50:00.003+09:00

nao sei por que, so quero escrever em portugues esta vez.

nao, meu escrito portugues nao e tao bem como eu fala, mas sei lah, vamos ver.

hmmm.... esses dias nao tenho nada especial que acontece, minhas aulas acabou de comecar, tenho novas aulas como accounting e business management.

ontem tinha um conversacao com uma amiga na indonesia. na verdade nao queria muito falava sobre minha vida com ela, sobre que esta acontecendo, mas nao sei por que acontava tudo ontem. tudo que eu to sentindo, tudo que ta passando comigo aqui.

como tambem eu estou cansado, vivendo "esse jeito" em Japao... nao e mal, minha vida e legal. mas as vezes tem esses reponsabilidades eu tenho que completar sozinho, sabe? como pagando meu apartamento, ir pra banco pra pegar dinheiro, pagar minhas contas... sei que isso e ser adulto, sei que daqui a pouco eu tenho que fazer tudo isso sozinho, mas... sei lah. as vezes queria muito voltar pra casa dos meus pais, pra o comfortabilidade que ele tem.

tambem contei que estou cansado aprendendo japones. e verdade, japones e dificil pra aprender. alem de eu ta falando tres linguas totalmente diferente agora, mas com japones eu nao estava interessada nenhum pouco... no comeco era interessante, era divertido, mas agora que eu tenho que lembrar mais "kanji"... essa lingua ta sendo chato.

falava mais sobre minha vida, minha saude, saudade com a familia, dificuldade com o dinheiro que agora ta acontecendo crise economico global e tal. mas no final, que me fazia feliz e que ela nao me dava clasico solucoes... ela me fazia lembrar que Deus ja e bom comigo. como Ele ja me mandava aqui, alem de ter coisas que eu nao entendi, Ele vai sempre estar la, olhando pra mim e guardando cada etapa que eu tomar. minha parte e so andar com Ele.

***

so that was my blog in portuguese! it was about reflection from a talk to a friend last night through Yahoo Messenger. how I told her I was tired and troubled, but then she reminded me calmly of how assuring life in Christ would be.

as God brought me here, through all the difficulties and troubles faced by my family, for sure He will be the One who would guide my way through this beautiful mess.

and forgive my portuguese! it's been almost a year now since I left brazil... and I learned it verbally! if anyone would mind to correct my grammar or "acentuacao"... just type on the comment. hahaha..

thanks for reading, again. hope it was a blessing. have a great day.

Between the Break and the Wallet

2008-11-25T10:38:00.003+09:00

It's now quarter break.

After some purely exhausting weeks of studies, the first half of the semester is finally over. It was a lot of fight, but God has been taking care of me, and I'm grateful.

Unlike my previous semester, this quarter break is filled with contemplation and grace. Last semester I was overflowing with money, and, not being careful and aware of my financial condition, spent them on Gundam play models and trips to Oita and shopping malls. But the difference now, I'm having my break in the middle of a global financial crisis, which somehow boosted the Japanese currency to be like, twice stronger than Indonesian Rupiah. There's nothing sad or discouraging from this situation for me, as I've been always aware that I'm not here because my parents have a lot of money. I'm here because God is graceful and faithful to me.

So then, looking for a local, affordable, but still fun activity is another challenge. And this weekend has been fun.

Sunday after church, went out with some friends to youme (read you-may), a local small mall. We spent the day hanging out and talking, and somehow all four of us didn't have the word ENTERTAINMENT on our November budget, so none of us bought anything... Even the coffee we had later on the afternoon were coupon coffees, and we abused the free refills. Hahaha...

Later after, we went to an electronic shop, because one of us needs to get a rice cooker and she needed to check the price. There's nothing there, but the walk to the shop was long and fully conversational. I talked a lot, listened a lot... Well, somehow now I got reminded of how shy I was when I was a lot younger. Couldn't even introduce myself properly to a girl. Not that it's a pride now that I'm a lot more outgoing. But God keeps reminding me of how these past three years have change my life, in many ways. And how I should be always grateful and humbled.

And then the night was over. We took the girls to the bus stop and said good bye. Then planned a cooking day for Monday.

***

The next day I came up to visit the girls at the dormitory, brought my ingredients for an expected-to-be special chocolate pudding. It was a foggy day, drizzles of rain since early morning, but I was okay.

Then we started cooking. It was again, our very own cheap, harmless fun. Talked a lot, laughed at each other, smiles being bent and thrown back and forth. Then came the lunch, more chatting, a movie, and the chocolate pudding as a closure.

It was a fun day. Despite the fact that my chocolate pudding was some kind of a mess, we forgot to separate the egg white from the yolk, which then make the pudding smelt like cake. But then the vla was a great success.

***

The thing is, fun is when you're with friends. It doesn't matter what kind of expensive clothings you put on, what kind of place you hang out, what car or bike do you drive... But when you don't have real friends, it would all be meaningless. On the other hand, as long as you have faithful friends around, even the worst day could be turn to laughter.

And I'm just grateful. Thankful for these financially-challenged friends that then, through their creativity and personality, was able to pull the word fun out.

That's then, my quarter break. Will be over on Wednesday... And then back to school. Homeworks waiting! Ugh!!

Kejepit!

2008-11-14T22:26:00.002+09:00

Lagi banyak yang mesti dikerjain nih!

Ada report, tes, dan project. Beberapa sedang di tahap akhir, malah tapi ada juga yang baru dimulai. Pusing, pusing... Pingin semuanya cepat selesai saja.

Mau percaya tapi, mau percaya kalau ini proses Tuhan. Kalau hidup ini senang-senang saja, ya rasanya tidak mungkin ada perubahan yang signifikan. Bila ingin menjadi tanah yang subur, harus bersedia digemburkan dan digoncangkan... Diputar-putar luar dalam sampai gembur.

Hmm... Tapi di sisi lain... Aku senang menerima tanggung jawab. Tuhan sedang membentuk aku dengan ini, aku percaya. Di komsel, di fellowship, di organisasi kampus dan kelas workshop... Aku entah terlibat dalam suatu tim atau menjadi pemimpin yang menyiapkan sesuatu. Kebanggaan! Tapi kembali diingatkan bahwa hanya dalam Tuhan Yesus aku dapat bermegah.

Yah, sesuatu sedang terjadi, aku percaya. Belum pernah aku merasa semaksimal ini, belum pernah aku merasa serisau ini pula. Tapi aku mau percaya, bila Tuhan yang memberikan tanggung jawab ini, dan aku menyediakan diriku, maka kasih karunia dan sukacita-Nya akan tersedia cukup bagiku.

Berusahalah Membuat-Ku Tersenyum

2008-11-09T09:04:00.002+09:00

Satu hari aku membuka friendster, seorang teman baik mengirimkan ini untukku. Rasanya kontennya bagus dan memberkati... Secara lama sudah juga aku tidak menulis blog, mungkin ini bisa jadi pelepas rindu. Silahkan dibaca...

***

Di saat aku berkata "Aku lelah Tuhan.. aku sangat lelah untuk meneruskan perjalananku.. semua yang aku lakukan tidak pernah cukup, aku lelah dengan semua, aku tak sanggup.. tak mampu. Mengapa hal ini tidak pernah lalu dariku, mengapa perjuanganku sangat berat. Tapi aku mau menang Tuhan, aku mau tetap berjuang bersama-MU, aku mau sampai garis akhir. Sampai Kau bilang sudah selesai, semua sudah selesai."

Lalu Kau berkata: "Anak-Ku, sebenarnya beban yang kau pikul tak seberapa. Aku lebih lelah darimu, Aku harus melihat dan mendengar bahkan memperhatikan kamu. Semua keinginanmu dan kebutuhanmu, belum lagi temanmu, saudaramu. Bahkan kalau Kutuliskan di sini takkan cukup.

Tapi kau tahu anak-Ku, Aku melakukannya demi cinta-Ku padamu, tanpa paksaan. Aku melakukannya dengan sukacita, dengan penuh rasa syukur, karena Aku mencintaimu, sangat mencintaimu dengan segenap hidup-Ku. Aku bahkan mau dan rela mati untukmu. Itu tak mudah anak-KU, bahkan Aku sempat berkata pada Bapa-KU, 'Biarlah cawan ini lalu dari pada-Ku.' Tapi Aku tahu kalau Aku tak mati untukmu, perjalanan-Ku belum selesai. Aku tahu itu tujuan hidup-Ku, supaya setiap kamu yang percaya pada-Ku selamat dan dapat hidup kekal.

Tenang anak-Ku, Aku tahu takkan mudah untukmu menjalani ini semua. Seringkali Kulihat kau terjatuh, kau menangis, kau berteriak pada-Ku. Aku mendengar setiap teriakanmu. Aku melihat setiap tetes air matamu. Aku menghargai perjuanganmu untuk selalu bangkit dari tiap kejatuhanmu. Aku menyayangimu anak-Ku. Kau sangat berharga buat-Ku.

Jangan biarkan dirimu menjadi lemah dan tak perduli, cobalah lebih keras lagi, berusahalah membuat-Ku tersenyum. Berjuanglah untuk mendapatkan mahkota kemuliaan yang telah Kusediakan. Aku sudah menyediakan tempat bagimu bersama-Ku. Aku selalu ada bersamamu, dalam tiap langkahmu, dalam tiap hembusan nafasmu, dalam tiap tetes air matamu, dalam tiap usahamu untuk bangkit. Lakukanlah dengan cinta anak-Ku, lakukanlah dengan penuh rasa syukur. Jangan takut, Aku ada dekatmu, selalu di dalam hatimu. Karena AKU MENCINTAIMU... Aku mencintaimu dengan segenap hati-Ku."

Lalu Ia tersenyum dan akupun tersenyum. "Thanks GOD. You are awesome. I love You too."

***

Aku suka bagaimana Tuhan berbicara padaku lewat teks ini untuk berhenti bersungut-sungut dan berusaha membuat-Nya tersenyum. Jika kita pikirkan kebaikan Tuhan, rasanya setiap hari Ia sudah menyiapkan ratusan alasan untuk kita dapat tersenyum, bahkan di hari yang terburuk sekalipun.

Tapi sudahkah kita punya kesadaran untuk mengukir senyum di wajah Tuhan? Punyakah kita kerinduan untuk membahagiakan Sang Pencipta? Sampai menjadi sebuah perjuangankah bagi kita untuk menyenangkan-Nya?

Untuk direnungkan sama-sama. Tuhan Yesus memberkati...

Kembalilah, Maka...

2008-10-31T01:11:00.002+09:00

Hari Rabu lalu akhirnya jadi komsel juga. Meskipun sudah direncanakan matang-matang akan diadakan di rumahku, jam 2 siang, dan bakal ngapain aja... Ternyata lain jadinya waktu dilaksanakan.

Ada yang tidak bisa datang, aku tahu paginya. Panik jelas, karena akhirnya hanya kami bertiga. Lucu juga kan kalau komsel hanya bertiga. Hmm... Tapi setelah berembuk lagi, diputuskan yah, jalan saja. Kalau batal-batal terus nantinya ngga jadi-jadi.

Semakin siang, semakin mendekati waktu komsel, satu perubahan rencana lagi. Komselnya tidak jadi di rumahku. Karena semua lagi ada di atas, di kampus... Ya komselnya di atas aja, di asrama. Di kamar salah satu teman kami. Supaya hemat transport juga untuk teman-teman yang masih di AP House.

Dan akhirnya, komsellah kami, jam 2 siang itu. Tak lama, teman kami yang tadinya tidak bisa ikut, menelpon, dan datanglah ia agak terlambat.

Kesanku dengan komsel hari itu... Entah bagaimana Tuhan bekerja. Selalu benar jika dikatakan bila, "di dalam kelemahan kita, nampaklah kekuatan Tuhan." Aku yang tadinya gelagapan mencari bahan sharing untuk hari itu, ditolong-Nya. Komsel mengalir indah saja, semuanya terbuka, saling mendengar dan saling cerita. Tidak ada lagu, tidak ada pengkotbah dan yang dikotbahi... Semua saling menguatkan dan suasananya sejuk siang itu.

Akhirnya, Tuhan. Akhirnya, pikirku. Setelah berjalan di padang gurun selama hampir 7 bulan, kutemukan mata air-Mu. Kau kembalikan komunitas yang Kau ambil dariku saat kutinggalkan Indonesia dulu.

Hanya bisa bersyukur, itu pikirku. Tuhanku dan cara-Nya yang indah mengasihiku. Saat aku ingin kembali pada-Nya, tidak tanggung-tanggung Ia menyambutku kembali. Meskipun tak pernah kuminta-Nya, tapi Ia tetap setia dan mengasihiku, betapapun aku jauh dari-Nya.

Kami berdoa akhirnya, siang itu. Berharap kami bisa bertemu dan saling membangun lagi minggu depan. Meminta agar Tuhan memberi kami suatu arahan kemana kami harus melangkah bersama.

Musim kemarau telah berakhir akhirnya.

Sekali lagi, Bapa, aku hanya bisa bersyukur pada-Mu. Terima kasih.

Besok Komsel, Asyik!

2008-10-28T20:22:00.002+09:00

Tujuh bulan sudah aku di Jepang sini. Merantau jauh dari keluarga, teman, dan sanak saudara. Terkadang rindu, hatiku pilu menatap bulan. Kusadari nun jauh di sana orang-orang yang kusayangipun sedang menatap bulan yang sana.

***

Hahahaha, kok jadi kae puisi Melayu sih!

Selama setengah tahun lebih aku di Jepang ini... Banyak hal telah menyibukkanku. Kelas, pertemanan yang semakin menantang karena perbedaan bahasa, komunitas orang-orang Indonesia, dan banyak lagi.

Kukatakan pada banyak orang aku lebih baik tidak pulang, kalaupun libur aku lebih baik jadi produktif, paruh-waktu di sini dan menghasilkan uang. Tapi jika mau jujur, hmm... Sebetulnya rindu sekali sama teman-teman dan keluarga di rumah. Bukan memang rindu yang kurasakan siang dan malam, rindu yang kemudian membuatku menangis terguling-guling di atas kasur dan tidak mau beranjak, bukan, bukan rindu yang demikian. Rindu yang kurasa menggeliat pilu sekali-sekali, di saat aku rentan dan sendiri.

Di antara sedemikian banyak rindu itu, kurasakan kerinduan pada teman-teman komselku. Teman-teman gerejaku, orang-orang yang membantuku bertumbuh dan membangkitkan kepercayaan diriku pada awalnya. Gereja yang sistemnya kadang kuragukan, tapi kemudian juga jika tanpa sistem dan kasih Kristus yang kurasakan darinya, tidak akan aku bisa maju sejauh ini.

Kata komsel itu sendiri membangkitkan banyak kenangan. Kenangan mendalami Alkitab bersama, mendalami diri sendiri dan mengerti sesama teman komsel lebih dalam, dan menjalin hubungan akrab saling percaya, dari teman menjadi saudara sejati. Tidak ada, kurasa sampai sekarang ini, komunitas yang baik seperti komselku dulu.

Dan besok, Tuhan memberiku kesempatan memulai komunitas ini lagi. Aku bukan manusia yang sempurna, bukan pribadi yang terlalu tekun dan tanpa cela, tapi aku mau terima tanggung jawab ini. Aku percaya jika aku setia dalam hal kecil, Tuhan akan memberikan hal yang lebih besar untuk kutanggung.

Malam ini aku gugup, malam ini aku gelisah. Akankah nantinya kumiliki lagi komunitas dan teman-teman, saudara-saudari seiman sejati seperti yang kumiliki dulu? Dengan segala perbedaan yang kami miliki, cukup beranikah kami mengikatkan diri satu sama lain dengan kasih Tuhan? Aku gelisah, aku berpikir.

Tapi kemudian Tuhan memberiku alasan untuk tidak kuatir dan tetap tersenyum; bahwa komsel ini milik-Nya. Aku hanya dipercayakan saja. Apapun yang dimulai dengan doa dan mengandalkan Tuhan, dan dijalankan dengan sukacita dan kesetiaan, Tuhan akan melihat dan memberkati.

Besok komsel, asyik!